11.18.05

life is a journey of self discovery...

I dont know why I do the things I do....or choose to believe the things I believe in.... Lately, Ive been unknowingly drifting away into a different reality.... In this reality Ive been focusing on change...a quick change....such that doesnt require work or dedication....I have been conditioned to think that things will somehow work out... Chelsea played a huge part on helping me realize what I was doing....since the day I met Chelsea...Ive always felt a strong connection with her for some reason....her honesty, her opinions on things.... I think that in a lot of ways she reminds me of the person I use to be...my true self.... but thru the years...maybe it was "that day".....maybe it was billy....maybe it was all the new friends ive made.....the drugs ive tried.....have changed me....without me realizing.... I want to change...I want a good succesful life....like Ive always wanted..... it will not happen for me automaticly...i must take action on my own.... I just need to start.... I want to start...but Im afraid to drift away again....

05.11.05

Friday!

My favorite day of the week:)

Havent written in a couple days but really....Ive just been up to the same normal stuff...

Wednesday I went to Jacksons with Robin then hung out here for a while....it was fun...read peoples Xanga's all night lol...

Me and Claire talked about the other day how its not really neccesary to keep in touch with anyone anymore....you just read their xanga...and leave them a comment now and then...and thats all! lol

The rest of the day is now a blur....

and all I remember of yesterday is going to Logans with Bill....and then going to his house to go over my budget...I am so excited about starting to save money....it like...actually gives me daily goals...:) (I know I sound like a dork)

When I came home last night....this dude was walking in front of my house.....a descent looking guy...late 40's...didnt think anything of it (seeing it was 1am)

So I get out of the car and he is like..."Hey.....do you have a phone?" I told him yeah and I let him use it....he then told me how his car got towed, he has no money and his wife is out of town" I was like...Im sorry?....so then he tells me he live in Hillsboro Village...and since thats down the street...I was like...."Well....no prob....I can take you there" and so I do...and we get there...and he is like...."Just drop me off at the church, I'll walk...." so I do...and he is like....listen man Im not a bum or anything but do you have any money? and im like....no I dont have any cash (and I really didnt) and he is like...oh man...and was completly freaking out on the passanger seat...now I was kinda scared....I thought I was doing the right thing....now I was a little afraid that I was gonna get robbed or stabbed....so he is like.....I dont even have my ATM card (trying to hint into me using mine) and so Im like...listen man I dont have any money but I have this change here....let me give it to you, go use that pay phone to call your wife with....so I drop him off at the gas station and I sped off lol

NEVER HELP PEOPLE WALKING DOWN BELMONT BLVD!!!

so yeah....

I went to work today and work in general sucked...but then I got some great news from my bosses.... They called me into their office and they are like....."We would like to offer you a position in a service resolution desk" I was cheesin' instantly...I was like...really!?!? and they were like...your interview was very impressive and your attitude and hard work tell us that you are a very good choice....ofcourse I accepted....Im so excited....

I get to keep the same hours, I get more $$$, PLUS I will like doing this job 20 times more! Its the greatest news I have gotten in a while....made me feel great that they chose ME over everyone else....I LIE...there were 2 positions...and this other girl got the other one....but STILL!!!!

so Im very happy....

I was driving home...because from past experiences I know that for some reason fate does not like me being happy...and when something good happens...something has to fuck it up...so Im driving down 440 almost home! this fucking cop has been following me since I left work....i DONT have insurance AND my tags are expired...so Im like....well shit I bet this will be the bad news! but NO....I get off on the 21st ave exit and he keeps going....I turn on my street....I see my house....I park! and Im like...YEY Im home!!! next thing I know....POP!!! my fucking right tire goes flat.....I swear.....I was like SON OF A BITCH!.....fucking weird! I KNEW some shit like that would happen...lol

but its ok....Im still happy....

:)

Co

04.02.05

Hey...

*sigh*...I hope everyone had a good friday night...I kinda did, till I fucked things up,lol...lets start from the beggining...

Well work went well, I was so glad it was friday...played a few April Fool jokes on some people...none really fell for it....except my older bro....told him we had an earthquake in Nashville...lol...and I told Grey I got into a wreck...

So I came home....and I took a nap....Tim called me and we were gonna go out to eat...so he came by...and I got ready...

we were gonna go to either The Mirror,Family Wash, or Acorn....for some stupid reason we went to Family Wash....it was horrible...the music was anoying...the food was ok but all in all the whole scene sucked and by the time we left we were not satisfied....so we go have dessert at The Trace....it was nice....we sit...and the waitor comes and Tim gets a sour apple Martini...so I go like "OH Ill have one of those too!"(I was thinking he'd ID me and we'd have a good laugh) but NO! he brought me a sour apple Martini...to my surprise it was really good...tasted like a sour apple jolly rancher....and I love jolly ranchers....needless to say...we ate dessert and talked for like 1 hours....had like 3 green apple martinis each....I was pretty drunk.....seeing Im not use to drinking and I dont really know when Ive had enough....

So originally we were gonna come to my house and play some board game...but we were both so buzzed...we were like..."lets go to play" and we did....

Get this....the guy in the front door ID's me...and he looks at it really hard...he is about to put the X's on my hand...and me again jokingly...I said...."Dude...Im 21" and he kinda gets nervous and he is like...ohh oops oh yeah my bad...and lets me by.....I was SHOCKED! 2 times in a row! never!...am I losing my boyish looks? or maybe it was because I hadnt shaved lol...and then he comes up to me and is like....oh here's ur free beer ticket...and I was like....thanks lol...

Free beer? so yeah my poor judment came into play again....by the end of the night I had drank 3 beers...plus the 3 martinis....yeah....I had a very good time....

but at what expense?...

I came home...and completly lost it.....I think I must have text'ed messaged Billy like 10 times and called him a few too....it was 3am....and I was crying....

I cannot belive I did that...I woke up this morning and felt so stupid...I dont even remember if he answered the phone....

I texted message him to apologize...but i havent gotten a response....I just feel completly stupid right now...

Im gonna try not to stress over it....hopefully he will understand and have a good laugh and just make fun of me for it...

damn

but anyways....Anna is coming....and Claire and Damon....and I hope Robin too....

I need to stick to safe "at home" hang outs...

Love

Co

03.31.05

Almost time for bed...

I just got back from Cafe Coco and I must say I had a LOVELY time...lol

I went with Grey...we talked for the longest about humanity and evolution and a bunch of other things...it was great...

We also talked about what is missing in my life...and it dawned on me....when I became deppressed on September 5th 2003 for my own private reasons, I gave my goals up....I gave up on school and I gave up on what I wanted to do in college....I began worrying about the present and forgot about my future....

Where do I see myself in 10 years doing what Im currently doing? I see myself....doing the exact same thing!

I do not want that....I feel that Im missing out on college, I feel im missing out on too many experiences that I cannot afford to miss...Im tired of growing up so fast...and I feel that I AGAIN have to make a drastic lifestyle change...

I need to sit down with my mom and dad...

let them know that my interest in university is back!

Move back with my parents/or find a room mate to help me with bills

and then go for it!

now I want to stay in Nashville...so MTSU and all that is out of the question...

Im thinking Belmont....though I dont know what they have to offer in the film department...

Im pretty sure I want to major in Film and Psychology...

ok...

hopefully when I wake up tommorrow I will be equally as motivated...

There is a spider on my wall so I am going to kill it!

03.21.05

Another Monday over with....

It wasn't such a bad day....considering Ive been a little down...

Got up, went to work....wasn't lookin too hot today lol...

We were really busy this morning...and I really am tired of taking calls...ever since I found out I got the promotion Ive been to excited about it to really care about the one Im in now....which is probably a bad thing....but anywho....My manager came up to me and told me to start packing my things from my desk because Ill be moving on wednesday....so ofcourse I was like "yey!"

I was sopose to start my diet and excercise plan today....NOT! I got to work this morning and my bilingual co-worker, Rosa, brought me some of her daughter's bday cake (tres leches) and ofcourse I couldnt be RUDE and refuse it...so I ate that shit! it was good too! and I thought...well this is my breakfast...after all breakfast is the most important meal of the day....that was my excuse...

So then lunch time comes around...and Im starving....I was like.."Im gonna be good and just have a slim fast"....but my stomach was growling...and again my conscience came into play....so I was like...."well....starving myself like this REALLY isnt healthy for my growing body"...so I fucking went to eat chinese.....BUFFET!....but actually I didnt eat much....so I gave myself a pat in the back....

So then I go to the fucking mall....Im like...well since I had chinese for lunch...Im not gonna eat dinner...Im just gonna have a healthy snack....but then I go by the Gelato ice cream...and Im like mmmmmmmmm "well since I AM going to work out tonight I guess ice cream wouldnt hurt...BESIDES its not like im gonna eat dinner" so I got that fucking ice cream...DOUBLE scoops!

I keep shopping...thinking I made a wise choice.....but then my phone rings...and my mom is like..."Hey we're all gonna go eat at Olive Garden, you want to come?".........so here me again "well how can I pass up this opportunity to spend precious time with my loving family on a WEEKDAY" so Im like...SURE! lol had a great time with them...actually I didnt eat much...1 bread stick 1 plate out soup and salad....lol....but THEN freaken Yerko ordered Tiramisu....and then didnt want it...It was going to waste....and here I am "How can I let that delicious piece of Tiramisu go to waste...there's STARVING kids in the world that would give ANYTHING for it"....lol so I ate it....yeah yeah wtf....I said that too....how can I not say NO THANKS!?! if you know this....please leave me a comment....:)

and then guess what!!!......"eeehhh Well now its too late to go to the Y....I wont go....I'll just work out at home"....and honestly I dont think its gonna happen...lol

so yeah thats kinda my usual routine...I really need some structure in my life lol....

I did have fun with my family though...It helped me cheer up a bit...also now more than ever im conviced that I have the best family in the world....I love them all so much and it feels great knowing they love me back....and we've actually achived the goal of saying "I love you" to each other...for the longest time we all seemed afraid to say it to each other...almost embarrased...even though we all knew we loved each other...we never said it.....but now we've all began to say it....though sometimes I have to admit it does feel awkward...but Im glad to do it....

I know it sounds weird...and I dont know how we began to hide our feelings from each other....I know it began when we came to the united states....probably from the deppression we all went through...

My theory is....by my brother's move....it reminded us all how much we love each other....how much we all miss nicolas....and how we've neglected to think how much we mean to each other...and thats how it got triggered...

so yeah...thats an example of how much I think about things...

lol

yyyeeeaahhhh....

but I guess thats all for tonight...I was in a rambling mood and now my cravings are satisfied....

Later

Co

03.20.05

Hey Hey...

Hope everyone had a safe fun weekend...

NM going on here...I woke up like at 11am...my friend David called to see if I could buy him ciggarretts...I was like...."um no" I was sleeping and I was so tired....

Last night I had a few people over to celebrate Robin's birthday (it's actually the 22nd but thats ok) ....Claire, Damon, Anna, Robin, and Myself....it was nice....

I deff felt like my mom last night....My mom is like the best host in the world....she loves to have people over and FEED THEM! lol....yyeahhhh I felt just like that last night....I dont know why it was weird....seemed like my personality switched for a moment....

but anyways....i got a coffe table and an end table for the living room yesterday at Target...I really like them....oh! and an area carpet too...I think the living room looks so much homier....I was gonna get this cool futon also but they didnt have it in stock....so that was kind of a bummer.....however, theres always a next time!

I cant wait to be able to watch movies on the actual tv while laying down on a couch!

but yeah...

prob gonna clean up some more, go to my parents house and do laundry....

----------------------------------------

Thinking about you today,

And your silence brings me down...

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03.08.05

Im at home...

Robin is gonna come over for a while...yey

Today was a pretty cool day...work was kinda hectic...I was so tired from lack of sleep...and i really didnt feel like doing downloads...

Last night my friend Bill came over, and stayed till 2:30am....trying to figure out a financial plan for me and other things...I was tired...but it was deffenetly worth it....he is a great friend

After work...I went to my parents house...and found out I got my income tax return :) $660! yes! PLUS I got paid today....so I was happy...

My friend Shanti called and she invited me over for dinner...so I went for a little while to hang out with her and David...she cooked this pork tenderloin with brown rice and caramelized carrots...it was pretty awesome....

Its her birthday on the 18th...and I really want to do something special for her...

Speaking of birthday...Tomm is Billy's bday....

Its been really hard on me...I want to be able to wish him a happy birthday....give him a hug....get him a present...take him out to eat....I dont know...something....

But I cant...and maybe I shouldnt....I was going to call him, but...Im afraid the phone call will turn into something else....we've had enough misunderstandings and I really dont want to put my "progress" in reverse...

I was going to get him a card and leave it at his door, but Im afraid to bump into him...or even worse bump into someone that im not ready to bump into...

Its a tough situation....but in the end....I may just write him a simple email...and though I cannot express the way I feel, Im sure he knows that I love him very much *wink*

Robin just called and she just left her house :)

David let me borrow this movie called Cannibal: the musical....made by the creators of south park while they were in college...it seems really funny....so I will put it on

Peace

Co

03.06.05

Hey,

uuhh just waking up...went to bed like at 6:30am last night...

My sister called me to see if I wanted to got to PLAY with her,my cousin, and another friend and ofcourse I said sure because its always good to hang out with the siblings plus I was kinda wanting to go to PLAY anyways...

btw PLAY is a gay club...

So I do the dumbest thing..my sis told me to meet there at 12, and it was like 9:30...so I was like...well I'll take a bath (since someone had given me like bath salts and shit) so I take a bath, put the fucking bath salts in there....and i find out later that that shit really fucks up your hair...so yeah...looked like a had a fro all night...sucked lol

I was so surprised...everyone knows my sister...(because of my brother) she was like introducing me to everyone...

except while I was dancing with them, they attract all the shirtless muscular guys and then ofcourse I just felt awkward lol...

My sister kept sneaking drinks on me, so by 2 am I was so drunk...for the 2nd time ever ( I dont really like drinking) It was fun...and when the club closed at 3am...My bro's best friend was going to another after hours club called Kiss, so I went with him....we met these 3 girls from FRA and they were awesome people...they had never been there before either so we said we'd take care of each other ( Its kind of a shady place....lots of drugs)

but anyways...I danced all with these girls all night, and then we went to lay on the couches...and we were all pretty much laying on each other...and then one of them starts kissing me...and I kiss her back but Im like....lol...Im gay.... and she is like....are you fucking serious? lol....so we laugh....and laugh....then this dude comes to sit with us...and yeah.....he was weird....enough said about that...

left the place almost at 6am....and I was going down the road when I realized I was driving to my parents house instead of my own....so Im like...FUCK! I always do that....

I get home....and passed out....

so yeah....had a very fun night....wont do it again in a loonnnggg time....but it was fun....I needed that

but with that....I think Im going to my parents house now,lol

Co

02.01.2005

its been a while, i know... lots has happened, yet not much has changed... I didnt go to work today, hosnestly, because I didnt feel like going...its not a good excuse, and i should have gone... Ive been deppressed the last week, about bill again... I moved into my place, i like it, but theres a lot of little things I dont like...at this point im not sure if i want to stay after my 6 month lease is up... Im in debt...for no reason...owe my bro in law over 400 dollars, my car broke down on sunday and the repairs are over 600 dollars, plus the stupid cingular bill is gonna be over 300 dollars.... I feel trapped, i want to escape but dont know where to go... When Bill go back together Josh I was hurt I have to admit, but in the end I always knew that it was coming... When they broke up I didnt think anything of it...I wasnt happy, I wasnt sad....I knew Bill would stay the same...still on the look out for the one person to sweep him off his feet and let him move on with his life.... 1 year ago Bill was still in the situation....Feb 18, 2004...I met him on gay.com...he was looking to hook up...I was looking to feel loved...1 year ago he told me he was still in love with his ex so he is still not looking for a relationship....one year later he is still on the same boat...I feel like yelling at him, i hate that he lives on gay.com...and by doing so drags me into that shit hole website...I dont want to be in love with him, because i dont want to be 2nd to anyone.... but im afraid to let go... and now even if he was to love him, i feel like i will never be able to trust him like i once did.... ----------EDIT------------- Once again i let my emotions out of control today... It took a lot for me to be able to IM Bill, I was hurt by his short reponse and lack of enthusiasm....i was jealous that he had been on gay.com all night and all morning, even if he just leaves it on.... decided I would get him mad at me so he'd block me and get pissed off at me, that'd way he wouldnt give me the time of day and then I wouldnt think of him so much....well it was a stupid desision because he doesnt deserve for me to call him a "liar" or a "whore" just because things arent the way I wanted them to be.... it was stupid and i feel childish, but he blocked me....i feel awful but perhaps its the only way for me to stop revolving my life around him even when arent talking.....ive never been so depppressed.... my life is shit right now