12.23.04

My emotions are running wild…

I am hurting so bad inside…I am such a kid…

I imagine Billy, David, and Josh snowed in all cuddled up together having the time of their life…drinking hot cocoa, playing board games, snuggled up watching movies…as im driving in to work freezing and trying not to swerve off the road…

In reality I know that they are not exactly having “the time of their life” but my head has always liked to play tricks on me…Ive watched a little too many movies…

I cried a lot last night, I thought of suicide, and I even thought of disappearing…but after a while the thoughts went away…and then I focused on how I should change my life, be more independent, get my life together…I fell sleep and then this morning I woke up feeling sad again…

I wasn’t gonna come into work, the roads were horrible…

I went into my parents rooms, asked them how the roads were, I was hoping they would tell me “don’t go to work its too dangerous” but instead they rushed me because I was gonna be late…

Though my dad did go warm up the car for me, which was nice…even though I didn’t take his car….

I told David I cant speak to him anymore last night…I felt horrible, but I realized that Im using him…and I don’t want to use him…thru him Im trying to keep in touch with billy and the thoughts that go thru my heads are driving me insane…I begin to not trust David anymore and that is not a feeling I want to have…David is a good friend and I don’t want my “insanity” to turn against me and ruin what little dignity I have…

I was so mad when he told me they stayed at Josh’s because the roads were so bad, I don’t believe it…Im jealous that he probably prefers Josh and Bill to be together rather than with me. My feelings are to extreme right now….I don’t know what to do

Instead of going home tonight Im going to spend the night at Chads,by myself, no phone, no internet…

Like always…Im losing all my friends…

No Juan No Donovan No Bill No David

My mistakes? Their mistakes?

It doesn’t matter

Im alone now and Im hating every second

12.06.04

Sunday nights are ussually deppressing, but today has been more deppressing than usual...Holiday season is getting near and like every year I feel like there is something missing in my life, and I dont know whats missing....Is it love? material things? I just dont know...but as always I am at a point where I cant even think of anything that would make me content...

Lately the only thing I look fordward to is the week end...Not having to worry about work is a big load off my back and I love not having to be anywhere....Though I must admit that friday and saturday nights have become nights where i get completly wasted, I seem to enjoy that escape, I laugh, and I have briliant thoughts, its great...

I really enjoy spending time with Billy...when Im with him I can put all my problems aside and feel happy...he is my anti drug while Im with him,lol....Thursday was my birthday, and eventhough he had forgotten and I had to remind him....he made it very special :) he took me to lunch and bought me flowers, and then he took me to green hills grill for dinner later that night....we spent all day together just the two of us...and that was exactly what I needed on my birthday...there isnt a greater gift than the gift of friendship....

I really feel like I need a change in my life...and Im pretty sure that the chage I need is moving into my own place. I need a place where I can think, a place where I can get everything organized the way I want...Im tired of having to hide my personal things in my own room, tired of kids using my expensive shampoo for bath bubbles, tired of having to hide my tooth brush so it doesnt "accidentally" get used by someone else, Im tired setting limits to everything I do...I know for a fact that when I am home I am not myself...and my life would be so much better if I was myself 24/7.....

Sometimes I worry that it might not work out, much like most the things that I plan for....but I will never know till I try.

My brother is moving to West Hollywood....and I almost envy him! I want to move to west Hollywood and go to film school! thats where things happen, that is where my dream would come true,lol...although I WILL miss him, I think its great that he is taking such a huge step...things could go bad for him there, but things could also go great...you never know till you take a chance...I wish him all the luck in the world :)....and that way I will have someone to visit when I go :)

I want so much right now I feel Im going insane...I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT!!!!

GOODNIGHT!

06.06.04

God its late...

I just got back from walmart, lol, went and bought "monster" and bought Donovan a pack of cigarettes...first time to buy them:)

Today I woke up at noon...Becca called me, she came over, looked and the puppy and some pictures. Then we went to Kroger to take some coins to the coin star machine...she got 21 bucks....when we were leaving her car wouldn't start, she thought she could fix it but it was useless, her bro had to end up towing the car...so that sucked...

we took my car and went to cracker barrel....it was good, except she invited her bf and its not as fun when the bf's are around.

I got home at 4, and was at work at 5....drive thru today with Shawhin...Adam was Hosting, and Alex came for a few mins actually....dork bumped his new car!!!

After work i came home, took a shower, played resident evil....Alex and Adam wanted me to go out with them but then they really werent gonna do anything that I wanted to do...then Tim called me and asked me if I wanted to go to connections, I said sure, then Matt called me and asked if i was going, he was already there, then I talked to my friend Craig that I havent seen ever since he got kicked out of school, he said he was going to connections but I didnt see him.

Connections wasnt too fun, I had some drink...just one actually, but I was DRUNK! too drunk....couldnt even dance...then i just felt tired....I didnt have fun really....bunch of guys hit on me though, but still...no fun

Tim didnt wanna go to cafe coco because apparently he was going to "hang out" with someone he met there....slut....

I called Donovan and asked him if he wanted to hang out, he said sure....he said he had weed....I was like alright....I did kinda wanna get high...and good high....

so I picked him up....and we went into the woods...we hicked down "Kentucky Down Under" and sat on some rocks, then this big log....it was relaxing but a bit scary....im always a bit paranoid when Im high...

after that we came to my house and just listened to some music and stuff...I was still kinda buzzed and I was laying on the floor, we were both laying down looking at my little "glitter" lamp....it looked like we were under water....and a sort of kiss arised....which i regret because....I dont like him like that or any of my friends for that matter...but oh well it wasnt a big deal at all really...we were both just high...

after that we went to waffle house, then walmart....:)

now Im here...

Yesterday ....I went to eat breakfast with Amy, Irena, and Shanti at cracker barrels...Also David and his friend were there...I wish Shanti wouldnt invite him everywhere we go...that pisses me off...

After that I hung out with Alex, let him borrow my sisters electric sander, then we went to home depot, brought yerko along...

we hung out for a while more then we went to waffle house...i hate how he tries to get free food from his friend, but i think its really dumb...almost like he is begging...he didnt have any money so i just bought him lunch....shouldnt have ate uughh

after that I played Resident Evil

and went to see Harry Potter 3 with Matt G, his sis,mom, and sis's friend....the movie was good, much better than there others...we also went to jackson's...where I ate again...uughhh, then kinda just chilled at Leisha's place (his sis)

like at 3am I went to Waffle House with Tim...I saw Alex Scott there...and 2 other dudes that I know...

Im starting to care less and less about telling people Im gay....

but anyways...GOD I need to sleep...though I wanna watch monster

Muah

Co

05.19.04

Last night was graduation!!! :)

it was great, finally free from school! once I was walking away from the building I realized I was probably never gonna see so many of those people again! sadness lasted a few seconds...

Shanti was late to the ceremony, I was beginning to worry about her...I felt really bad that I didn't get an honors cord! if only I would have done well the last semester I would of gotten it... :(

After graduation my whole family wanted to go out to eat, but in the area we were in we couldn't really think of anywhere to go, and in our area the only thing was O'charleys and Ruby Tuesdays...so we went to O'charleys and their wait was like 45 mins...so we didn't stay...we went by Pargos and decided to eat there...none of us had ever been and there was no wait!

the food was good, service very good, we all liked it....I was really tired for some reason, I didn't really feel like going to any parties, so I just came home, got online for a few and went to bed...

Billy had called me telling me he couldn't come to graduation because he had to take his mom to the emergency room, so I was concerned about that...but turns out his mom is ok, but there was something else going on....he actually called me this morning and told me what it was...

I was sexing my gerbils this morning because btw Laqueisha had 4 more gerbils....so I put one of the baby girls from the last litter of gerbils in with laquisha and her new babies and all of the sudden Laqueisha freaks and starts chasing her and biting her (so it seems)...could have been excited and playing...lol...either way I took her out...

I guess Im gonna need a new cage...

there were actually 5 baby gerbils but one died....:( lets have a moment of silence......

R.I.P. Kenesha Molesha Renne Jr.

Today I plan on cleaning my gerbils cage...and....I dont know...seems all I ever do is just something with the gerbils...Im such a loser!! I wanna go to Billy's today but he sounds kinda busy...so who knows...

Ill update later

Co

05.12.04

Do you know where you're going?

Take my hand, and I will show you the way.

We may encounter rough paths, but they all have an end.

Dont try to hurry now, you have plenty of time.

For you'll never know what you left behind.

---------------------------Later--------------------------------

I just ate some of the spaghetti my dad made and they were really good, I wish ther was more! Ive been feeling in a weird mood today but Im feeling a lot "happier" now...

I like movies, so what I did is get online and find a bunch of movies that I have no watched that I want to watch, and made a list (which excites me) food and movies are my only passions!!!

I went to school today, I woke up LATE! but I made it to school (with my pajamas and no shower) lol

I had Culinary Arts and Year Book Exams today so it wasnt a big deal...Mr.Bean was being anal about the Year Book exam as if it was sssooo important...

I went to talk to Coach Martin to get my exam review and he told me that he lost them, and that I should stay the whole day today, tom, and friday....I almost said fuck you (but then I wouldnt graduate)

After school I went to return a movie at Blockbuster, and then I came home and took a nap....I dozed off so nicely that I woke up like at 12:40...but I had to take a shower and everything for my Doctors appointment at 1:30...I made it just in time...I was out by like 2:15....

I was hungry...I called Bill and Tim but neither answered their phones...so I went to Cafe Coco by myself. I have the panini fromagio with a salad, and this really good little berry cake...

I really wanted to hang out somewhere and do something but I didnt know what...so I came home, and got online, when I got bored I went back to bed...then got up and went down stairs to watch tv with my parents....we started to watch staw wars but they fell alseep...and that made me mad so I came back to...just layed in my bed and Bill called me...

Im glad he doesnt have cancer....the doctors said he had a tissue mass in the back of his throat and he was freaking out...plus the swollen lymph nodes...lol and the tum tum aches....

He had to go to the mall with Josh....so I just laid in bed for some more time...then I got on the computer...then Tim called...and he had a funny confession to make...he always fuzzed at me about something, and he confessed that he did the same thing last night...lol (if u must know ask me in private)

so anyways....its 10pm and I have no studied for my AP English exam...it shouldnt be too hard but I need to review something!!!

The possibility of not graduating because of fucking history really bothers me...its killing me....Its such a stupid class anyways....If I don't graduate I will not go to summer school, so it'll just be no diploma for me.....ok maybe I would go to summer school...I don't know...I'm just mad and feel stupid at the same time for missing so much school...should of just gotten my shit together from the start and not waste time feeling sorry for myself....I should be exempt from my exams and getting an honors diploma damn it!!!!there's really no reason to beat myself up over that anymore though...

I just feel lost...I hope things turn out for the best

good night

Co