recent excess

warm and fuzzy feelings
are put aside at the present moment

The disgrace of my reflection
reminds me of my recent excess

I am not beating myself over it
nor do I blame the influences around me.

What I feel is happening is something great
something basic, it's what we all come to expect

The jungle has never had more predators
It has never grown so wild with forbidden fruits

And the young little birds fly from their nest
sooner and more hopeful than before.

Growing up in a world of excess and instant gratification
Is it true when the elders tell us everything has been done?

What kind of world do we live in if our dreams have already come to be?

I chose not to believe in their theories anymore
not in this moment

There is so much more out there to be found
and even more to create.

I am listening to a guide I cannot identify
but it gives me full responsibility for my actions.

What will the outcome be?

It's so simple I cant stand it
Ive had the key to my own cell all along
still I am afraid of freedom...

This is the month of light
My month!

The key is in the hole
all I have to do is turn
and push the door open

The dreams will come

patience

I am listening to music again...
Finally, I figured out how to transfer the songs in my ipod to my new computer, without erasing everything in the process.

I guess the problem was never figuring out how to do it, but making the effort seemed pointless when everything around me was so unpredictable.

If you are reading this then you might have noticed Ive posted old entries that date ALL THE WAY back to 2004. I did this to remind myself where Ive been, not just physically but mentally as well. There is so much missing, but I realize there is no way to capture everything when life is happening 24/7.

I am beginning to see a different perspective of life.
Before, I felt that the human experience expanded through and only through an individual never ending journey of self discovery. However, I never realized that the self would discover things that would challenge everything it once believed.

It's such an enigma to me...
It seems that from birth to now, all I can really say Ive accomplished is gather data. Data that helps me define an invisible yet tangible force that flows through me.

I know I have been beating the drum on this subject for years, but I wonder if we will ever know our place in the universe. I also realize that before asking myself all these puzzling questions I need to answer the simple ones that I have control over.

In a kitchen full of ingredients how does one figure out what to use to bake a cake? There is no recipe for life.

moving on...

What I am really trying to say is that maybe...just maybe...a little patience might help along the way.

I just finished watching the second season of Sex and the City...brilliant! Now I know what everyone was talking about at the beginning of the century. It seems to take me a while to catch up with the mainstream media. (seeing I rebel against things while they are popular)
YES! Borderline by Madonna just started playing. :)

I think it was a bad idea to drink coffee at 1am... I am getting the jitters and I cant bare to write another word.

Halloween is almost here!

goodnight.

slowly editing

It may not seem like much right now, but waking up without the pressure of the day is the therapy Ive been looking for.
Ive always said I was not a morning person and I don't claim to be one yet...
The morning time, specially before the sun comes out, is the most peaceful time of the day...I can hear every little sound in the distance and my inner voice is free from habit.

I don't know what time I fell asleep last night, but I am almost sure it was before midnight. I remember Gil waking me up at some point asking me if I planned to sleep through the night...I said yes...and was mad at him for waking me. I fell back asleep some forty minutes later.
Why oh why I ask myself...

Meditation makes sense to me right now... I noticed while I was smoking the first cigarette of the day that I was not really enjoying it... In fact, it was as if I was smoking simply to get it done. I realized while I was working at Cafe Coco one night that smoking had become another pointless routine I didn't know why I committed to. It wasn't until I took adderol to get me through a busy night that I rediscovered the joys of being present while smoking a cigarette. Id like to be present all the time...

Gil and I were talking the other night over some margaritas. He said that when he was my age he felt like he was always living for the future or the expectations of things to come. Now he enjoys life in the present and takes more joy out of the things he is currently working on. We also debated over meditation and whether or not it is really beneficial to one's daily life. I have to say I take what I said back... I do know meditation can be beneficial specially when it comes to centering one's self.

It seems to be my nature to rebel against anything I once believed in or have been disappointed with in the past. But, I ask myself this... isn't my failure to fully follow through with my intentions my ultimate downfall? Instead of rebelling on things or beliefs that I experience in my life, shouldn't I be rebelling against my own habits that keep me from achieving personal wisdom?

*sigh*

one day at a time...

The Rain

I waited for a time like this
alone in thought
the lights are dim

I made no effort at your request
to meet you half or all the way

I chose this state
and though naive
I realize now what I have missed

My pride means nothing
it never did
the things I seeked weren't clear to me

I wished you found your inspiration
Feel it and taste it
show me what a Master can be

And though I have this hesitation
I learn the hard way
its my nature

cheers to you and cheers to me
another year closer to destiny
the time goes by faster it seems
I realize too the youth I killed

A flower blooms amidst the rain
cold and gloom as cars drive away
the fading light is hard to see
a drop of heaven has blinded me

oh the mirth
yes laugh at me
expose the lies I cant repeat
Ive held so long
identified with
and trusted its unknown scheme

I fear no more
my destiny
I always knew
It's up to me.

sky mind second body

I remember now
the warmth
that golden light
and me
awake...

"gotta give it up"

ofcourse I felt a little silly
it was only the second time
Ive had these kinds of experiences
but it was so real.

Today it just came to mind
maybe since Ive been reading a book again
this time on astral traveling
I remembered.

what I feel I need to do
is to surrender
to the warm golden light
maybe its my guide.

I feel Im picking up right where I left off
all I went through preparing me
for the week after the eclipse
and the new moons.

like the tree nearly crushing me
and the lost deer in the city
what do I take from it?

Baby steps and patience
im excited, scared, and loved
hungry to make it happen
swallowing my pride

I must surrender to something greater.

30 seconds

light travels faster than sound
you can observe this when lightning strikes
and seconds later you hear a thunder
this is considered an ordinary occurence

so why bother talking about it...

the countdown is official
in a couple of days my enviroment will shift
but i am confident in myself.

i have a feeling things will be different this time
it wont be glamorous and it is not a vacation
i am not deppressed or high on life
only a little more balanced than before
with a different perception of myself

i will respect the house rules
but maintain what ive learned
which is more than handling my whiskey.

summer will come and go
and before we know it 2010 will arrive
i see myself taking a turn at a long term dream
its that simple.

like an out of body experience
it is somethinng so real yet so elusive
so easy to forget and disregard
as an ordinary event

only i have that power.

before my nap

listening to annie lennox
the windows down and bellies full
i realized i live for these moments of transition

for a moment i felt a tear
and then it was repressed
by the comedic gesture of Grey

i was excited to go to the pool
but there were no chairs to lay on
and so i came back and talked to the old lady
who fell on her face yesterday before the storm

i laid on the couch and watched the news
Iran is going through another revolution
and the economy is going crazy
i heard thunder

its raining again...

ive been waking up sweaty lately
this morning i thought it was too much
then i realized i fell asleep holding a beer
and i spilled it all over me

im ready for another change
if you'll have me...

thought I forgot

to say
thought i would forget
the lessons of the day
when its time to go to bed
and begin to drift away.

could it be
that my sleeping patterns keep me from achieving greater potential?

currently i feel as if i am going through a tunnel...
the tunnel is an infinite field of POTENTIAL
the tunnel is directly linked to my past future and present


i feel the reason my life goes in waves of highs and lows
might be because i am stuck in a tunnel, i keep traveling back and forth
to the past and present, the future remains unknown

i think the anxiety and detatchment ive felt is the realization of time
and my own judgement of what ive done with it and what i could do
thought i would always walk hand in hand
i really did think i was special
i just didnt know how

im back on the loop

May Showers

last night was the worst
i am home now...almost 8am and no desire to do it all over again tonight.

i feel a little dissapointed with the way things are right now
and i ask myself what would make things better
what would make me feel like i am climbing up
rather than running on a treadmill...

theres no point A to B
but maybe life is not that simple.

either way i know i have the power
as corny as it sounds
its true.

i think back on the choices ive made
i am mostly proud of them
the experiences ive had are priceless
to me...

but i should swallow my pride
the reality of my situation is
i am back where i started

this climb is not up a hill
its a rocky mountain
and not all reach the top

ive been swept by a current
of social consciousness
and ive doubted myself

i dont want to forget the dream
i miss LA and all its excitement
i miss the wisdom of Mt. Rainier
but most of all i miss the me
that believed everything was possible

star signs
and pyramid power
third eye
and focused mind
fortune tellers
and messages from beyond

they cant help me now...