patience

I am listening to music again...
Finally, I figured out how to transfer the songs in my ipod to my new computer, without erasing everything in the process.

I guess the problem was never figuring out how to do it, but making the effort seemed pointless when everything around me was so unpredictable.

If you are reading this then you might have noticed Ive posted old entries that date ALL THE WAY back to 2004. I did this to remind myself where Ive been, not just physically but mentally as well. There is so much missing, but I realize there is no way to capture everything when life is happening 24/7.

I am beginning to see a different perspective of life.
Before, I felt that the human experience expanded through and only through an individual never ending journey of self discovery. However, I never realized that the self would discover things that would challenge everything it once believed.

It's such an enigma to me...
It seems that from birth to now, all I can really say Ive accomplished is gather data. Data that helps me define an invisible yet tangible force that flows through me.

I know I have been beating the drum on this subject for years, but I wonder if we will ever know our place in the universe. I also realize that before asking myself all these puzzling questions I need to answer the simple ones that I have control over.

In a kitchen full of ingredients how does one figure out what to use to bake a cake? There is no recipe for life.

moving on...

What I am really trying to say is that maybe...just maybe...a little patience might help along the way.

I just finished watching the second season of Sex and the City...brilliant! Now I know what everyone was talking about at the beginning of the century. It seems to take me a while to catch up with the mainstream media. (seeing I rebel against things while they are popular)
YES! Borderline by Madonna just started playing. :)

I think it was a bad idea to drink coffee at 1am... I am getting the jitters and I cant bare to write another word.

Halloween is almost here!

goodnight.

slowly editing

It may not seem like much right now, but waking up without the pressure of the day is the therapy Ive been looking for.
Ive always said I was not a morning person and I don't claim to be one yet...
The morning time, specially before the sun comes out, is the most peaceful time of the day...I can hear every little sound in the distance and my inner voice is free from habit.

I don't know what time I fell asleep last night, but I am almost sure it was before midnight. I remember Gil waking me up at some point asking me if I planned to sleep through the night...I said yes...and was mad at him for waking me. I fell back asleep some forty minutes later.
Why oh why I ask myself...

Meditation makes sense to me right now... I noticed while I was smoking the first cigarette of the day that I was not really enjoying it... In fact, it was as if I was smoking simply to get it done. I realized while I was working at Cafe Coco one night that smoking had become another pointless routine I didn't know why I committed to. It wasn't until I took adderol to get me through a busy night that I rediscovered the joys of being present while smoking a cigarette. Id like to be present all the time...

Gil and I were talking the other night over some margaritas. He said that when he was my age he felt like he was always living for the future or the expectations of things to come. Now he enjoys life in the present and takes more joy out of the things he is currently working on. We also debated over meditation and whether or not it is really beneficial to one's daily life. I have to say I take what I said back... I do know meditation can be beneficial specially when it comes to centering one's self.

It seems to be my nature to rebel against anything I once believed in or have been disappointed with in the past. But, I ask myself this... isn't my failure to fully follow through with my intentions my ultimate downfall? Instead of rebelling on things or beliefs that I experience in my life, shouldn't I be rebelling against my own habits that keep me from achieving personal wisdom?

*sigh*

one day at a time...

The Rain

I waited for a time like this
alone in thought
the lights are dim

I made no effort at your request
to meet you half or all the way

I chose this state
and though naive
I realize now what I have missed

My pride means nothing
it never did
the things I seeked weren't clear to me

I wished you found your inspiration
Feel it and taste it
show me what a Master can be

And though I have this hesitation
I learn the hard way
its my nature

cheers to you and cheers to me
another year closer to destiny
the time goes by faster it seems
I realize too the youth I killed

A flower blooms amidst the rain
cold and gloom as cars drive away
the fading light is hard to see
a drop of heaven has blinded me

oh the mirth
yes laugh at me
expose the lies I cant repeat
Ive held so long
identified with
and trusted its unknown scheme

I fear no more
my destiny
I always knew
It's up to me.