my insomnia starts acting up...
okay, well maybe its just anxiety...
or maybe its all the vitamin C I had earlier.
It doesnt matter...
I cant sleep.
its almost 7 am
Ive been tossing and turning in bed for the past two hours
but the images in my mind keep me awake.
so i decided I would just write what comes to mind
in an effort to release this energy that i feel
tonight i finished the work that i needed to get done this week
i feel accomplished for the first time in months
i couldnt stop cooking last night either
i just wanted to make things...
i baked a whole chicken
made rice
gravy
potatoe salad
then I made Jello
then I made a rum flan
i would of baked a cake but i ran out of ingredients
i watched a couple of episodes of absolutely fabulous afterwards
i dont understand how i just recently found out about this show
Jennifer Saunders is my new idol
I wish she would write another season...
Ive also been getting really into Ramtha and Abraham again
I am really happy to rediscover the power of their message
its just bloody genious!
I talked to Jeff last night also.
I heard Vette and Myk in the background and felt a bit nostalgic
I imagine Myk holding a glass of wine in one hand and a fag on the other
I imagine Vette smiling and looking away as if he has something to hide
I imagine Jeff’s eyes dancing to the sky with a million thoughts racing through
his mind.
I hear them laugh...
It’s lonely these days.
though Im not alone.
I like my company I suppose
sometimes I like to shut myself in my room and not speak to anyone
for days...
I am online too much.
I crave for the day when technology crashes
so that I may be released from this
curse.
There will be a solar storm at the end of the year
a lot of sattelites will be destroyed but not enough.
Change is upon us
the country is in a recession
the bees are dissapearing
and the people are becoming anxious
its about time...
Clinton and Obama claim to bring forth change
I think change is inevitable at this point.
enough empty promises...
The sun is up now...
I am still not sleepy.
I have a meeting at 12:30pm
and then Shanti is coming to pick me up this evening
it was her birthday on the 18th
i think we’re going to her dad’s house to celebrate
I hope I dont pass out and fall asleep
It’s frustrating to not be able to drive my car...
but I dont want to dwell on that right now...
I want to get some new video games soon...
Smash Brothers Melee sounds good right now...
I feel like playing the Sims
I still havent played Metroid for Wii
A good RPG sounds good right now...
get lost in the story...
I havent done that in years...
I miss my family...
my dad and mom
Yerko and Katherine...
I feel guilty sometimes about distancing myself so much from them.
Even Nicolas.
and we lived in the same city.
It’s almost like I was afraid to express love.
I am learning though...
slowly...
I finally wrote an email to Gil.
and I expressed to him that I do not want to receive anymore emails
from him.
I feel sometimes that people force themselves into my life...
nobody is "entitled" to anything
I do recognize that I push people away specially when they express
unconditional love towards me.
but I am a natural rebel...
I cant help it...its the sagittarious in me.
I dont like people telling me what to do, what to feel, or try to guide me in a direction that is clearly subjective.
Ive had to deal with the same issue with Chad.
I feel very strongly about my beliefs...
wether or not they are right...
I feel that if they are not right then I will find that out in due time...
through my own experience...
my experience is the only thing I can rely on.
it’s what give me the ability to create desires within me.
toxic shame...
I feel exposed but i really dont care.
I dont care who reads this...
I told myself I was going to write what was on my mind
and I did.
for the world to see!
or not...
I think I feel better now.
I’ll try to sleep for a couple of hours maybe.
but probably not..
its too bright...
I feel strange.
Like something just clicked.
and I am a different person.
again.
good morning sunshine.
