Thursday, January 14, 2010

bulimia was so '87

"only thing that's on my mind
is how to make this moment last"

I woke up
what time is it?
I'm still really sleepy
I should go back to sleep.
no wait!
this is the new me!
The new me gets up early
I should be excited for the day
okay...
Im going to meditate
but im so warm under the covers
maybe i can just meditate in the fetal position
okay here I go
I see a a big ball of light
I wonder if I have any facebook comments
focus!
I see a big ball of light
now the light is expanding
did I jack off last night?
I should jack off before Gil wakes up
NO!!!
okay I see the light
Im getting really sleepy
maybe I should sleep for 5 more minutes
okay I am going to try on my back
I can never sleep on my back
okay close my eyes again
I see a ball of light
zzzzzzzzz
I cant do this!
I need a cigarette...

So I realized this morning that I lack discipline. It's not really news to me, but I tend to be in denial most of the time about the reality of my intentions. It's the same reason this year I did not have a new years resolution. I just know my ego will make excuses.

Okay, so what now?
Do I just let the ego win? Of course not...I have to trick it somehow!!!

I was reading up on Self Hypnosis last night and came to the conclusion that Hypnosis is just another word for the act of a visualization meditation technique, with a few different variations.

As a reminder, I need to find and read "The hidden persuader" by Vance Packard. I feel it is critical to my growth, though I know nothing about it.

You see...
I believe I have this gift. I attract amazing things into my life. People, Movies, Music, Books, Information. It may be that this Internet Age has facilitated those "laws of attraction" people rave about. However, I have an intuitive sense when it comes to searching for something meaningful. (whatever it is my "soul" craves at any given moment)
So when I feel that I need to watch or read or meet someone... I know I need to go with that feeling.

Back to the original question about the ego or whatever you want to call it.
I mean it seems so simple. If I was to talk about this with my sister she would just tell me "GROW UP!"
I really think she thinks I am crazy. Like there is something wrong with me because I cant stick to a decision. I realize I move from one thing to the other too fast, but I know there is something I am learning when I look back on the things Ive done.

I feel like there will come a time in my life where I am going to be so tired of my old patterns that I will just say ENOUGH and jump into a new paradigm.
I am hoping that moment is now.

but I cant even meditate!
you see that's a problem... I keep saying that I cant. When I know I can.
I know what I have to do. I think I just answered my own question.
Which is the purpose of these blogs really.

WALK THE WALK

wish me luck on my interview!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

2010

Yes, I see
Something new building up
Around me.

Is it sacrifice?
Denying myself from the ones I love.
or am I punishing them with my absence?

A couple weeks ago I felt stupid for torturing myself.
What am I trying to prove?
And then I realized it's just about me
as it should always be.

Someone I met recently mentioned "Divine Order"
and though the term was foreign I knew its meaning.

Those special people that hold a sacred place
They are in my life to challenge me.
And though I dont know what I mean to them
That's not what's important.

" to look life in the face and know it for what it is, to love it for what it is, and then to put it away "

I think of myself as Virginia Woolf.
She had to get away from London life in order to get some peace.
I too needed the peace.

And now I feel rested
and ready to tackle a new phase of my life.
Yes, I need the support from a bigger source
and loose the pills and vodka nights.

That's not to say
I cant have fun.

I feel like Ive been filled with hope again.
A sense of adventure everywhere I look.
Maybe Ill be moving to Chile.
Maybe take a trip to New Mexico.
What's in store for me?
Only I can explore.

Still, I wish I could share this
with people who have original thoughts.
I get bored with cookie cutter theories
and denial of human nature.

Maybe one day I'll be able to swallow my pride
and say I'm sorry for letting you cloud my mind.