The Birth of St. Magdalene

When I woke from that deep slumber I found myself in a place unknown.
An abyss of light grabbed me and pulled me through the fleshy womb.
The mortal senses consumed me like fire.
A breath that rapes the lungs and forces into submission, trapped in a cage once again....

I walked through a labrynth of time and space.
A familiar feeling of comfort and pain.
Life and death never end.

Country Roads

I watched the sunset the other day, it was beautiful...and yet I was completely unaware of what I was seeing...Sitting on the roof of my apartment building talking on the phone with my mother trying to descrive to her how beautiful the golden light looked over the city of angels. Still, I think back on that moment and I dont feel like I was really there...It is like my mind was somewhere else...perhaps back in Nashville talking and drinking a cup of tea with her...watching her smile.

I feel like much of my life is spent in that state of mind...instead of living in the moment and experiencing what's around me I dream about being somewhere else...or even ways the moment could be "better" - meanwhile I miss out on the beauty and opportunities around me.

I just watched a movie called "Whisper of the Heart" for the second time this weekend...I just love it, it really inspires me...like most of Hayao Miyazaki's films do. I feel so confused at times...I so want to make a great inspirational movie but I never make an effort to write anything, it is like I am afraid I cant do it....like I assume I will fail before I start. It is such an anoying state of mind but I know I can beat it...I just have to do it - there is nothing stoping me execept for myself.

Right now I am sitting in the dark. The kitchen light is on and in there I can see the table my brother brought me. On the table there is a tall brown paper bag and an empty bottle of wine. The kitchen floor is white and black tiles like a checker board. The way I am sitting looking at the kitchen thru the door frame is beautiful....the contrast of the light and the dark reminds me of an old painting. This is the kind of inspiration I need...It is all around me

California DREAMing

I will begin my move down to Los Angeles from Seattle in about TWO hours...

Excited? yes...
Finished Packing? no...

My roommate Harley just dropped a glass plate on his foot and almost sliced his toe off...lol, so he was taken to the hospital...good times... :P

Seattle will be missed...and not forgotten.
I learned more about myself than ever before...and I am thankful for that...

I start film school August 7th.
A dream come true... :)

I am excited to live close to my brother...It will be a good experience for both of us...

My car is getting full...

The only thing left is my computer...and I am here now typing...This moment will soon be a memory...a memory of the days I lived in Seattle.

I will miss Curtis...but I know he will always be a part of my life...

Its getting late...Time to go.

As one chapter ends...another one opens...

so be that.

Turning Off

Rain and Monday

What is it about rainy days that makes me want to write? To be more specific...I think its a mixture of rain and monday.

Ive never even been fond of my writting...and yet, I feel that maybe if I keep writting...perhaps, I will write something really great on the next line. I think some call that wishful thinking...

In a way that's how I feel about my life...It's all just wishful thinking....day to night...night to day...wishing something "really great" will happen.

Here's another story about a bum...

A few months ago I was sitting at the Wendy's near where I live...and I see this crazy looking guy asking for money outside...For reasons unknown to me, he decides to look inside finding for a split moment direct eye contact with non other than me.

It was almost like he saw me and recognized something within me...because he ran in...and he sat down on the table right next to me and would look at me and turn away quickly, as if he couldnt make up his mind about something...and then he began to bang his head and whisper things under his breath...and for a moment I thought he was crying...

He turned to me and said "buy me something to eat" ... I was surprisingly not really intimidated by the situation...and I just looked at him directly in the eyes and I said to him..."what would you like?"...

He seemed really confused and he began to bang his head again....so I just took out 5 dollars and told him to go and buy something to eat...He stood up and he took my hand and he shook it and he seemed really greatful...

but he never bought anything...he just ran off with the 5 dollars...I thought to myself...maybe he felt like eating something else?....again, wishful thinking...

There's actually more to the story but writting about a bum just doesnt seem as interesting as it did 10 minutes ago...thats just the type of person I am...I get bored with things too easily...

and so now I think I'll go play in the rain...

"thinking" while I "work"

I sometimes think about the way that I see the world...the experiences Ive had throughout my life that have built the identity from which all my new experiences are then associated to my past...
Isnt it amazing that since we all have a different past then the way we all experience life is drastically different...and though you may share an experience with someone and you may think you both experienced the same thing (such as a walk in the park) the only similarity in our experience is our observation... and yet everything that comes to mind throughout that observation is only relevant to you...the experience is yours but the moment is out there for everyone...

and yet something is still missing...Who is experiencing the "right" experience?...is there only one "real" experience?...When we dig further into this matter we have to take into consideration that what we observe is not exactly what is in front of us...numerous studies prove that what our eyes see is NOT what we ourselves are consciously aware of...that our brain is the one that actually produces the holograms that we think is the physical world outside of us...in a way this makes me believe that everything "out there" is actually within us...and it is unique to everyone...but we're not aware of how unique it actually is...Its easy to assume that we all share a similar experience and feel the same emotions but what we think about other people is actually only a reflection of ourselves...

so then what is matter and everything else that seeminly sorrounds us? Well all matter including our bodies and even our brain is actually waves of energy vibrating at specific frequencies...the moment we observe something then that frequency is experienced as matter but that experience is actually all happening within us...we live in a holographic universe!

so Im really writting this for my own benefit...its nice to be able to make a connection that seemingly takes me to the root of our purpose in life... and yet this is just the beggining...there is so much more to know! lets make known the unknown!!!

ANYTHING WILL HELP

Under the traffic light on the right side of the road there was a homeless man holding up a cardboard sign that read :

"ANYTHING WILL HELP"

Car after car passed him... Oh, did I mentioned it was raining? it was freezing too! There was a bus that passed him like a runaway train; leaving the clouds of fumes that we have gradually began to accept with time. All I could see in his face was confusion, sadness, loss of hope, and water dripping down his long white beard. "nothing will ever change"..Poor old man, surely that must be what he was thinking.

The light turned red and I found myself having to stop behind two other cars. A white rusty old pick-up truck was first (seeing Ive never been good with brands I really couldnt tell you what it was). Then a bright red malibu (Obviously from sometime in the 90's) with a short fat woman scratching her head and doing whatever was possible to avoid eye contact with such a dreadful uncivilized being.

The light had been red for about thirty seconds now; the chance to continue our daily migration home would once again persist. But how could I go? This man is asking for help! how much clearer could it be? I rolled down my window and motioned him to come closer. I looked in my wallet and realized that I had no cash on me. What would I do? I had nothing to offer! (I felt like some rich snob teasing a starving peasant with a piece of bread) The man was slowly walking towards my car (which was when I realized he had some sort of limp)

By now I began to panic."Oh no! I thought to myself, Ive troubled this poor old man to walk all this way and I dont have any money to give him!" what else could I possibly offer him? I looked around my car (wich I had not cleaned in months) I came up with thirty seven cents that were dwelling deep within the back of my glove compartment. The old man stood right next to the passenger window and naturally I began to roll it down with great feelings of remorse.

"I am so sorry sir, I did not realize that I was not carrying any cash on me when I called you over. I am afraid I have nothing but thirty seven cents... I am very sorry" and I really was....

The man looked at me, ours eye met as if they shared a past life long ago. He said, "thirty seven cents get me thirty sevent cents closer to my next meal...anything matters"

I smiled...gave him the thirty seven cents and not knowing what other words we could possibly exchange I rolled the window up just as the cars before me started moving towards the green light.

I heard him yell..."GOD BLESS YOU!" ...

That didnt mean anything to me... Its easy to say "god bless you" as if some magical being would cast positive energy upon your life. True, I believe in the power of thought...however, why do we continue to have poverty and other social problems? Cant we take the role of "god" and change that? Even if it means not to endulge on our everyday emotional and physical addictions. We really could do anything...because anything matters.

I sopose his intentions were "good"...as were mine