bulimia was so '87

"only thing that's on my mind
is how to make this moment last"

I woke up
what time is it?
I'm still really sleepy
I should go back to sleep.
no wait!
this is the new me!
The new me gets up early
I should be excited for the day
okay...
Im going to meditate
but im so warm under the covers
maybe i can just meditate in the fetal position
okay here I go
I see a a big ball of light
I wonder if I have any facebook comments
focus!
I see a big ball of light
now the light is expanding
did I jack off last night?
I should jack off before Gil wakes up
NO!!!
okay I see the light
Im getting really sleepy
maybe I should sleep for 5 more minutes
okay I am going to try on my back
I can never sleep on my back
okay close my eyes again
I see a ball of light
zzzzzzzzz
I cant do this!
I need a cigarette...

So I realized this morning that I lack discipline. It's not really news to me, but I tend to be in denial most of the time about the reality of my intentions. It's the same reason this year I did not have a new years resolution. I just know my ego will make excuses.

Okay, so what now?
Do I just let the ego win? Of course not...I have to trick it somehow!!!

I was reading up on Self Hypnosis last night and came to the conclusion that Hypnosis is just another word for the act of a visualization meditation technique, with a few different variations.

As a reminder, I need to find and read "The hidden persuader" by Vance Packard. I feel it is critical to my growth, though I know nothing about it.

You see...
I believe I have this gift. I attract amazing things into my life. People, Movies, Music, Books, Information. It may be that this Internet Age has facilitated those "laws of attraction" people rave about. However, I have an intuitive sense when it comes to searching for something meaningful. (whatever it is my "soul" craves at any given moment)
So when I feel that I need to watch or read or meet someone... I know I need to go with that feeling.

Back to the original question about the ego or whatever you want to call it.
I mean it seems so simple. If I was to talk about this with my sister she would just tell me "GROW UP!"
I really think she thinks I am crazy. Like there is something wrong with me because I cant stick to a decision. I realize I move from one thing to the other too fast, but I know there is something I am learning when I look back on the things Ive done.

I feel like there will come a time in my life where I am going to be so tired of my old patterns that I will just say ENOUGH and jump into a new paradigm.
I am hoping that moment is now.

but I cant even meditate!
you see that's a problem... I keep saying that I cant. When I know I can.
I know what I have to do. I think I just answered my own question.
Which is the purpose of these blogs really.

WALK THE WALK

wish me luck on my interview!