Ive always said I was not a morning person and I don't claim to be one yet...
The morning time, specially before the sun comes out, is the most peaceful time of the day...I can hear every little sound in the distance and my inner voice is free from habit.
I don't know what time I fell asleep last night, but I am almost sure it was before midnight. I remember Gil waking me up at some point asking me if I planned to sleep through the night...I said yes...and was mad at him for waking me. I fell back asleep some forty minutes later.
Why oh why I ask myself...
Meditation makes sense to me right now... I noticed while I was smoking the first cigarette of the day that I was not really enjoying it... In fact, it was as if I was smoking simply to get it done. I realized while I was working at Cafe Coco one night that smoking had become another pointless routine I didn't know why I committed to. It wasn't until I took adderol to get me through a busy night that I rediscovered the joys of being present while smoking a cigarette. Id like to be present all the time...
Gil and I were talking the other night over some margaritas. He said that when he was my age he felt like he was always living for the future or the expectations of things to come. Now he enjoys life in the present and takes more joy out of the things he is currently working on. We also debated over meditation and whether or not it is really beneficial to one's daily life. I have to say I take what I said back... I do know meditation can be beneficial specially when it comes to centering one's self.
It seems to be my nature to rebel against anything I once believed in or have been disappointed with in the past. But, I ask myself this... isn't my failure to fully follow through with my intentions my ultimate downfall? Instead of rebelling on things or beliefs that I experience in my life, shouldn't I be rebelling against my own habits that keep me from achieving personal wisdom?
*sigh*
one day at a time...
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