03.31.05

Almost time for bed...

I just got back from Cafe Coco and I must say I had a LOVELY time...lol

I went with Grey...we talked for the longest about humanity and evolution and a bunch of other things...it was great...

We also talked about what is missing in my life...and it dawned on me....when I became deppressed on September 5th 2003 for my own private reasons, I gave my goals up....I gave up on school and I gave up on what I wanted to do in college....I began worrying about the present and forgot about my future....

Where do I see myself in 10 years doing what Im currently doing? I see myself....doing the exact same thing!

I do not want that....I feel that Im missing out on college, I feel im missing out on too many experiences that I cannot afford to miss...Im tired of growing up so fast...and I feel that I AGAIN have to make a drastic lifestyle change...

I need to sit down with my mom and dad...

let them know that my interest in university is back!

Move back with my parents/or find a room mate to help me with bills

and then go for it!

now I want to stay in Nashville...so MTSU and all that is out of the question...

Im thinking Belmont....though I dont know what they have to offer in the film department...

Im pretty sure I want to major in Film and Psychology...

ok...

hopefully when I wake up tommorrow I will be equally as motivated...

There is a spider on my wall so I am going to kill it!

03.21.05

Another Monday over with....

It wasn't such a bad day....considering Ive been a little down...

Got up, went to work....wasn't lookin too hot today lol...

We were really busy this morning...and I really am tired of taking calls...ever since I found out I got the promotion Ive been to excited about it to really care about the one Im in now....which is probably a bad thing....but anywho....My manager came up to me and told me to start packing my things from my desk because Ill be moving on wednesday....so ofcourse I was like "yey!"

I was sopose to start my diet and excercise plan today....NOT! I got to work this morning and my bilingual co-worker, Rosa, brought me some of her daughter's bday cake (tres leches) and ofcourse I couldnt be RUDE and refuse it...so I ate that shit! it was good too! and I thought...well this is my breakfast...after all breakfast is the most important meal of the day....that was my excuse...

So then lunch time comes around...and Im starving....I was like.."Im gonna be good and just have a slim fast"....but my stomach was growling...and again my conscience came into play....so I was like...."well....starving myself like this REALLY isnt healthy for my growing body"...so I fucking went to eat chinese.....BUFFET!....but actually I didnt eat much....so I gave myself a pat in the back....

So then I go to the fucking mall....Im like...well since I had chinese for lunch...Im not gonna eat dinner...Im just gonna have a healthy snack....but then I go by the Gelato ice cream...and Im like mmmmmmmmm "well since I AM going to work out tonight I guess ice cream wouldnt hurt...BESIDES its not like im gonna eat dinner" so I got that fucking ice cream...DOUBLE scoops!

I keep shopping...thinking I made a wise choice.....but then my phone rings...and my mom is like..."Hey we're all gonna go eat at Olive Garden, you want to come?".........so here me again "well how can I pass up this opportunity to spend precious time with my loving family on a WEEKDAY" so Im like...SURE! lol had a great time with them...actually I didnt eat much...1 bread stick 1 plate out soup and salad....lol....but THEN freaken Yerko ordered Tiramisu....and then didnt want it...It was going to waste....and here I am "How can I let that delicious piece of Tiramisu go to waste...there's STARVING kids in the world that would give ANYTHING for it"....lol so I ate it....yeah yeah wtf....I said that too....how can I not say NO THANKS!?! if you know this....please leave me a comment....:)

and then guess what!!!......"eeehhh Well now its too late to go to the Y....I wont go....I'll just work out at home"....and honestly I dont think its gonna happen...lol

so yeah thats kinda my usual routine...I really need some structure in my life lol....

I did have fun with my family though...It helped me cheer up a bit...also now more than ever im conviced that I have the best family in the world....I love them all so much and it feels great knowing they love me back....and we've actually achived the goal of saying "I love you" to each other...for the longest time we all seemed afraid to say it to each other...almost embarrased...even though we all knew we loved each other...we never said it.....but now we've all began to say it....though sometimes I have to admit it does feel awkward...but Im glad to do it....

I know it sounds weird...and I dont know how we began to hide our feelings from each other....I know it began when we came to the united states....probably from the deppression we all went through...

My theory is....by my brother's move....it reminded us all how much we love each other....how much we all miss nicolas....and how we've neglected to think how much we mean to each other...and thats how it got triggered...

so yeah...thats an example of how much I think about things...

lol

yyyeeeaahhhh....

but I guess thats all for tonight...I was in a rambling mood and now my cravings are satisfied....

Later

Co

03.20.05

Hey Hey...

Hope everyone had a safe fun weekend...

NM going on here...I woke up like at 11am...my friend David called to see if I could buy him ciggarretts...I was like...."um no" I was sleeping and I was so tired....

Last night I had a few people over to celebrate Robin's birthday (it's actually the 22nd but thats ok) ....Claire, Damon, Anna, Robin, and Myself....it was nice....

I deff felt like my mom last night....My mom is like the best host in the world....she loves to have people over and FEED THEM! lol....yyeahhhh I felt just like that last night....I dont know why it was weird....seemed like my personality switched for a moment....

but anyways....i got a coffe table and an end table for the living room yesterday at Target...I really like them....oh! and an area carpet too...I think the living room looks so much homier....I was gonna get this cool futon also but they didnt have it in stock....so that was kind of a bummer.....however, theres always a next time!

I cant wait to be able to watch movies on the actual tv while laying down on a couch!

but yeah...

prob gonna clean up some more, go to my parents house and do laundry....

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Thinking about you today,

And your silence brings me down...

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03.08.05

Im at home...

Robin is gonna come over for a while...yey

Today was a pretty cool day...work was kinda hectic...I was so tired from lack of sleep...and i really didnt feel like doing downloads...

Last night my friend Bill came over, and stayed till 2:30am....trying to figure out a financial plan for me and other things...I was tired...but it was deffenetly worth it....he is a great friend

After work...I went to my parents house...and found out I got my income tax return :) $660! yes! PLUS I got paid today....so I was happy...

My friend Shanti called and she invited me over for dinner...so I went for a little while to hang out with her and David...she cooked this pork tenderloin with brown rice and caramelized carrots...it was pretty awesome....

Its her birthday on the 18th...and I really want to do something special for her...

Speaking of birthday...Tomm is Billy's bday....

Its been really hard on me...I want to be able to wish him a happy birthday....give him a hug....get him a present...take him out to eat....I dont know...something....

But I cant...and maybe I shouldnt....I was going to call him, but...Im afraid the phone call will turn into something else....we've had enough misunderstandings and I really dont want to put my "progress" in reverse...

I was going to get him a card and leave it at his door, but Im afraid to bump into him...or even worse bump into someone that im not ready to bump into...

Its a tough situation....but in the end....I may just write him a simple email...and though I cannot express the way I feel, Im sure he knows that I love him very much *wink*

Robin just called and she just left her house :)

David let me borrow this movie called Cannibal: the musical....made by the creators of south park while they were in college...it seems really funny....so I will put it on

Peace

Co

03.06.05

Hey,

uuhh just waking up...went to bed like at 6:30am last night...

My sister called me to see if I wanted to got to PLAY with her,my cousin, and another friend and ofcourse I said sure because its always good to hang out with the siblings plus I was kinda wanting to go to PLAY anyways...

btw PLAY is a gay club...

So I do the dumbest thing..my sis told me to meet there at 12, and it was like 9:30...so I was like...well I'll take a bath (since someone had given me like bath salts and shit) so I take a bath, put the fucking bath salts in there....and i find out later that that shit really fucks up your hair...so yeah...looked like a had a fro all night...sucked lol

I was so surprised...everyone knows my sister...(because of my brother) she was like introducing me to everyone...

except while I was dancing with them, they attract all the shirtless muscular guys and then ofcourse I just felt awkward lol...

My sister kept sneaking drinks on me, so by 2 am I was so drunk...for the 2nd time ever ( I dont really like drinking) It was fun...and when the club closed at 3am...My bro's best friend was going to another after hours club called Kiss, so I went with him....we met these 3 girls from FRA and they were awesome people...they had never been there before either so we said we'd take care of each other ( Its kind of a shady place....lots of drugs)

but anyways...I danced all with these girls all night, and then we went to lay on the couches...and we were all pretty much laying on each other...and then one of them starts kissing me...and I kiss her back but Im like....lol...Im gay.... and she is like....are you fucking serious? lol....so we laugh....and laugh....then this dude comes to sit with us...and yeah.....he was weird....enough said about that...

left the place almost at 6am....and I was going down the road when I realized I was driving to my parents house instead of my own....so Im like...FUCK! I always do that....

I get home....and passed out....

so yeah....had a very fun night....wont do it again in a loonnnggg time....but it was fun....I needed that

but with that....I think Im going to my parents house now,lol

Co

02.01.2005

its been a while, i know... lots has happened, yet not much has changed... I didnt go to work today, hosnestly, because I didnt feel like going...its not a good excuse, and i should have gone... Ive been deppressed the last week, about bill again... I moved into my place, i like it, but theres a lot of little things I dont like...at this point im not sure if i want to stay after my 6 month lease is up... Im in debt...for no reason...owe my bro in law over 400 dollars, my car broke down on sunday and the repairs are over 600 dollars, plus the stupid cingular bill is gonna be over 300 dollars.... I feel trapped, i want to escape but dont know where to go... When Bill go back together Josh I was hurt I have to admit, but in the end I always knew that it was coming... When they broke up I didnt think anything of it...I wasnt happy, I wasnt sad....I knew Bill would stay the same...still on the look out for the one person to sweep him off his feet and let him move on with his life.... 1 year ago Bill was still in the situation....Feb 18, 2004...I met him on gay.com...he was looking to hook up...I was looking to feel loved...1 year ago he told me he was still in love with his ex so he is still not looking for a relationship....one year later he is still on the same boat...I feel like yelling at him, i hate that he lives on gay.com...and by doing so drags me into that shit hole website...I dont want to be in love with him, because i dont want to be 2nd to anyone.... but im afraid to let go... and now even if he was to love him, i feel like i will never be able to trust him like i once did.... ----------EDIT------------- Once again i let my emotions out of control today... It took a lot for me to be able to IM Bill, I was hurt by his short reponse and lack of enthusiasm....i was jealous that he had been on gay.com all night and all morning, even if he just leaves it on.... decided I would get him mad at me so he'd block me and get pissed off at me, that'd way he wouldnt give me the time of day and then I wouldnt think of him so much....well it was a stupid desision because he doesnt deserve for me to call him a "liar" or a "whore" just because things arent the way I wanted them to be.... it was stupid and i feel childish, but he blocked me....i feel awful but perhaps its the only way for me to stop revolving my life around him even when arent talking.....ive never been so depppressed.... my life is shit right now

12.23.04

My emotions are running wild…

I am hurting so bad inside…I am such a kid…

I imagine Billy, David, and Josh snowed in all cuddled up together having the time of their life…drinking hot cocoa, playing board games, snuggled up watching movies…as im driving in to work freezing and trying not to swerve off the road…

In reality I know that they are not exactly having “the time of their life” but my head has always liked to play tricks on me…Ive watched a little too many movies…

I cried a lot last night, I thought of suicide, and I even thought of disappearing…but after a while the thoughts went away…and then I focused on how I should change my life, be more independent, get my life together…I fell sleep and then this morning I woke up feeling sad again…

I wasn’t gonna come into work, the roads were horrible…

I went into my parents rooms, asked them how the roads were, I was hoping they would tell me “don’t go to work its too dangerous” but instead they rushed me because I was gonna be late…

Though my dad did go warm up the car for me, which was nice…even though I didn’t take his car….

I told David I cant speak to him anymore last night…I felt horrible, but I realized that Im using him…and I don’t want to use him…thru him Im trying to keep in touch with billy and the thoughts that go thru my heads are driving me insane…I begin to not trust David anymore and that is not a feeling I want to have…David is a good friend and I don’t want my “insanity” to turn against me and ruin what little dignity I have…

I was so mad when he told me they stayed at Josh’s because the roads were so bad, I don’t believe it…Im jealous that he probably prefers Josh and Bill to be together rather than with me. My feelings are to extreme right now….I don’t know what to do

Instead of going home tonight Im going to spend the night at Chads,by myself, no phone, no internet…

Like always…Im losing all my friends…

No Juan No Donovan No Bill No David

My mistakes? Their mistakes?

It doesn’t matter

Im alone now and Im hating every second