I am hurting so bad inside…I am such a kid…
I imagine Billy, David, and Josh snowed in all cuddled up together having the time of their life…drinking hot cocoa, playing board games, snuggled up watching movies…as im driving in to work freezing and trying not to swerve off the road…
In reality I know that they are not exactly having “the time of their life” but my head has always liked to play tricks on me…Ive watched a little too many movies…
I cried a lot last night, I thought of suicide, and I even thought of disappearing…but after a while the thoughts went away…and then I focused on how I should change my life, be more independent, get my life together…I fell sleep and then this morning I woke up feeling sad again…
I wasn’t gonna come into work, the roads were horrible…
I went into my parents rooms, asked them how the roads were, I was hoping they would tell me “don’t go to work its too dangerous” but instead they rushed me because I was gonna be late…
Though my dad did go warm up the car for me, which was nice…even though I didn’t take his car….
I told David I cant speak to him anymore last night…I felt horrible, but I realized that Im using him…and I don’t want to use him…thru him Im trying to keep in touch with billy and the thoughts that go thru my heads are driving me insane…I begin to not trust David anymore and that is not a feeling I want to have…David is a good friend and I don’t want my “insanity” to turn against me and ruin what little dignity I have…
I was so mad when he told me they stayed at Josh’s because the roads were so bad, I don’t believe it…Im jealous that he probably prefers Josh and Bill to be together rather than with me. My feelings are to extreme right now….I don’t know what to do
Instead of going home tonight Im going to spend the night at Chads,by myself, no phone, no internet…
Like always…Im losing all my friends…
No Juan No Donovan No Bill No David
My mistakes? Their mistakes?
It doesn’t matter
Im alone now and Im hating every second
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