02.01.2005

its been a while, i know... lots has happened, yet not much has changed... I didnt go to work today, hosnestly, because I didnt feel like going...its not a good excuse, and i should have gone... Ive been deppressed the last week, about bill again... I moved into my place, i like it, but theres a lot of little things I dont like...at this point im not sure if i want to stay after my 6 month lease is up... Im in debt...for no reason...owe my bro in law over 400 dollars, my car broke down on sunday and the repairs are over 600 dollars, plus the stupid cingular bill is gonna be over 300 dollars.... I feel trapped, i want to escape but dont know where to go... When Bill go back together Josh I was hurt I have to admit, but in the end I always knew that it was coming... When they broke up I didnt think anything of it...I wasnt happy, I wasnt sad....I knew Bill would stay the same...still on the look out for the one person to sweep him off his feet and let him move on with his life.... 1 year ago Bill was still in the situation....Feb 18, 2004...I met him on gay.com...he was looking to hook up...I was looking to feel loved...1 year ago he told me he was still in love with his ex so he is still not looking for a relationship....one year later he is still on the same boat...I feel like yelling at him, i hate that he lives on gay.com...and by doing so drags me into that shit hole website...I dont want to be in love with him, because i dont want to be 2nd to anyone.... but im afraid to let go... and now even if he was to love him, i feel like i will never be able to trust him like i once did.... ----------EDIT------------- Once again i let my emotions out of control today... It took a lot for me to be able to IM Bill, I was hurt by his short reponse and lack of enthusiasm....i was jealous that he had been on gay.com all night and all morning, even if he just leaves it on.... decided I would get him mad at me so he'd block me and get pissed off at me, that'd way he wouldnt give me the time of day and then I wouldnt think of him so much....well it was a stupid desision because he doesnt deserve for me to call him a "liar" or a "whore" just because things arent the way I wanted them to be.... it was stupid and i feel childish, but he blocked me....i feel awful but perhaps its the only way for me to stop revolving my life around him even when arent talking.....ive never been so depppressed.... my life is shit right now