Turning Off

Rain and Monday

What is it about rainy days that makes me want to write? To be more specific...I think its a mixture of rain and monday.

Ive never even been fond of my writting...and yet, I feel that maybe if I keep writting...perhaps, I will write something really great on the next line. I think some call that wishful thinking...

In a way that's how I feel about my life...It's all just wishful thinking....day to night...night to day...wishing something "really great" will happen.

Here's another story about a bum...

A few months ago I was sitting at the Wendy's near where I live...and I see this crazy looking guy asking for money outside...For reasons unknown to me, he decides to look inside finding for a split moment direct eye contact with non other than me.

It was almost like he saw me and recognized something within me...because he ran in...and he sat down on the table right next to me and would look at me and turn away quickly, as if he couldnt make up his mind about something...and then he began to bang his head and whisper things under his breath...and for a moment I thought he was crying...

He turned to me and said "buy me something to eat" ... I was surprisingly not really intimidated by the situation...and I just looked at him directly in the eyes and I said to him..."what would you like?"...

He seemed really confused and he began to bang his head again....so I just took out 5 dollars and told him to go and buy something to eat...He stood up and he took my hand and he shook it and he seemed really greatful...

but he never bought anything...he just ran off with the 5 dollars...I thought to myself...maybe he felt like eating something else?....again, wishful thinking...

There's actually more to the story but writting about a bum just doesnt seem as interesting as it did 10 minutes ago...thats just the type of person I am...I get bored with things too easily...

and so now I think I'll go play in the rain...

"thinking" while I "work"

I sometimes think about the way that I see the world...the experiences Ive had throughout my life that have built the identity from which all my new experiences are then associated to my past...
Isnt it amazing that since we all have a different past then the way we all experience life is drastically different...and though you may share an experience with someone and you may think you both experienced the same thing (such as a walk in the park) the only similarity in our experience is our observation... and yet everything that comes to mind throughout that observation is only relevant to you...the experience is yours but the moment is out there for everyone...

and yet something is still missing...Who is experiencing the "right" experience?...is there only one "real" experience?...When we dig further into this matter we have to take into consideration that what we observe is not exactly what is in front of us...numerous studies prove that what our eyes see is NOT what we ourselves are consciously aware of...that our brain is the one that actually produces the holograms that we think is the physical world outside of us...in a way this makes me believe that everything "out there" is actually within us...and it is unique to everyone...but we're not aware of how unique it actually is...Its easy to assume that we all share a similar experience and feel the same emotions but what we think about other people is actually only a reflection of ourselves...

so then what is matter and everything else that seeminly sorrounds us? Well all matter including our bodies and even our brain is actually waves of energy vibrating at specific frequencies...the moment we observe something then that frequency is experienced as matter but that experience is actually all happening within us...we live in a holographic universe!

so Im really writting this for my own benefit...its nice to be able to make a connection that seemingly takes me to the root of our purpose in life... and yet this is just the beggining...there is so much more to know! lets make known the unknown!!!

ANYTHING WILL HELP

Under the traffic light on the right side of the road there was a homeless man holding up a cardboard sign that read :

"ANYTHING WILL HELP"

Car after car passed him... Oh, did I mentioned it was raining? it was freezing too! There was a bus that passed him like a runaway train; leaving the clouds of fumes that we have gradually began to accept with time. All I could see in his face was confusion, sadness, loss of hope, and water dripping down his long white beard. "nothing will ever change"..Poor old man, surely that must be what he was thinking.

The light turned red and I found myself having to stop behind two other cars. A white rusty old pick-up truck was first (seeing Ive never been good with brands I really couldnt tell you what it was). Then a bright red malibu (Obviously from sometime in the 90's) with a short fat woman scratching her head and doing whatever was possible to avoid eye contact with such a dreadful uncivilized being.

The light had been red for about thirty seconds now; the chance to continue our daily migration home would once again persist. But how could I go? This man is asking for help! how much clearer could it be? I rolled down my window and motioned him to come closer. I looked in my wallet and realized that I had no cash on me. What would I do? I had nothing to offer! (I felt like some rich snob teasing a starving peasant with a piece of bread) The man was slowly walking towards my car (which was when I realized he had some sort of limp)

By now I began to panic."Oh no! I thought to myself, Ive troubled this poor old man to walk all this way and I dont have any money to give him!" what else could I possibly offer him? I looked around my car (wich I had not cleaned in months) I came up with thirty seven cents that were dwelling deep within the back of my glove compartment. The old man stood right next to the passenger window and naturally I began to roll it down with great feelings of remorse.

"I am so sorry sir, I did not realize that I was not carrying any cash on me when I called you over. I am afraid I have nothing but thirty seven cents... I am very sorry" and I really was....

The man looked at me, ours eye met as if they shared a past life long ago. He said, "thirty seven cents get me thirty sevent cents closer to my next meal...anything matters"

I smiled...gave him the thirty seven cents and not knowing what other words we could possibly exchange I rolled the window up just as the cars before me started moving towards the green light.

I heard him yell..."GOD BLESS YOU!" ...

That didnt mean anything to me... Its easy to say "god bless you" as if some magical being would cast positive energy upon your life. True, I believe in the power of thought...however, why do we continue to have poverty and other social problems? Cant we take the role of "god" and change that? Even if it means not to endulge on our everyday emotional and physical addictions. We really could do anything...because anything matters.

I sopose his intentions were "good"...as were mine

11.18.05

life is a journey of self discovery...

I dont know why I do the things I do....or choose to believe the things I believe in.... Lately, Ive been unknowingly drifting away into a different reality.... In this reality Ive been focusing on change...a quick change....such that doesnt require work or dedication....I have been conditioned to think that things will somehow work out... Chelsea played a huge part on helping me realize what I was doing....since the day I met Chelsea...Ive always felt a strong connection with her for some reason....her honesty, her opinions on things.... I think that in a lot of ways she reminds me of the person I use to be...my true self.... but thru the years...maybe it was "that day".....maybe it was billy....maybe it was all the new friends ive made.....the drugs ive tried.....have changed me....without me realizing.... I want to change...I want a good succesful life....like Ive always wanted..... it will not happen for me automaticly...i must take action on my own.... I just need to start.... I want to start...but Im afraid to drift away again....

05.11.05

Friday!

My favorite day of the week:)

Havent written in a couple days but really....Ive just been up to the same normal stuff...

Wednesday I went to Jacksons with Robin then hung out here for a while....it was fun...read peoples Xanga's all night lol...

Me and Claire talked about the other day how its not really neccesary to keep in touch with anyone anymore....you just read their xanga...and leave them a comment now and then...and thats all! lol

The rest of the day is now a blur....

and all I remember of yesterday is going to Logans with Bill....and then going to his house to go over my budget...I am so excited about starting to save money....it like...actually gives me daily goals...:) (I know I sound like a dork)

When I came home last night....this dude was walking in front of my house.....a descent looking guy...late 40's...didnt think anything of it (seeing it was 1am)

So I get out of the car and he is like..."Hey.....do you have a phone?" I told him yeah and I let him use it....he then told me how his car got towed, he has no money and his wife is out of town" I was like...Im sorry?....so then he tells me he live in Hillsboro Village...and since thats down the street...I was like...."Well....no prob....I can take you there" and so I do...and we get there...and he is like...."Just drop me off at the church, I'll walk...." so I do...and he is like....listen man Im not a bum or anything but do you have any money? and im like....no I dont have any cash (and I really didnt) and he is like...oh man...and was completly freaking out on the passanger seat...now I was kinda scared....I thought I was doing the right thing....now I was a little afraid that I was gonna get robbed or stabbed....so he is like.....I dont even have my ATM card (trying to hint into me using mine) and so Im like...listen man I dont have any money but I have this change here....let me give it to you, go use that pay phone to call your wife with....so I drop him off at the gas station and I sped off lol

NEVER HELP PEOPLE WALKING DOWN BELMONT BLVD!!!

so yeah....

I went to work today and work in general sucked...but then I got some great news from my bosses.... They called me into their office and they are like....."We would like to offer you a position in a service resolution desk" I was cheesin' instantly...I was like...really!?!? and they were like...your interview was very impressive and your attitude and hard work tell us that you are a very good choice....ofcourse I accepted....Im so excited....

I get to keep the same hours, I get more $$$, PLUS I will like doing this job 20 times more! Its the greatest news I have gotten in a while....made me feel great that they chose ME over everyone else....I LIE...there were 2 positions...and this other girl got the other one....but STILL!!!!

so Im very happy....

I was driving home...because from past experiences I know that for some reason fate does not like me being happy...and when something good happens...something has to fuck it up...so Im driving down 440 almost home! this fucking cop has been following me since I left work....i DONT have insurance AND my tags are expired...so Im like....well shit I bet this will be the bad news! but NO....I get off on the 21st ave exit and he keeps going....I turn on my street....I see my house....I park! and Im like...YEY Im home!!! next thing I know....POP!!! my fucking right tire goes flat.....I swear.....I was like SON OF A BITCH!.....fucking weird! I KNEW some shit like that would happen...lol

but its ok....Im still happy....

:)

Co

04.02.05

Hey...

*sigh*...I hope everyone had a good friday night...I kinda did, till I fucked things up,lol...lets start from the beggining...

Well work went well, I was so glad it was friday...played a few April Fool jokes on some people...none really fell for it....except my older bro....told him we had an earthquake in Nashville...lol...and I told Grey I got into a wreck...

So I came home....and I took a nap....Tim called me and we were gonna go out to eat...so he came by...and I got ready...

we were gonna go to either The Mirror,Family Wash, or Acorn....for some stupid reason we went to Family Wash....it was horrible...the music was anoying...the food was ok but all in all the whole scene sucked and by the time we left we were not satisfied....so we go have dessert at The Trace....it was nice....we sit...and the waitor comes and Tim gets a sour apple Martini...so I go like "OH Ill have one of those too!"(I was thinking he'd ID me and we'd have a good laugh) but NO! he brought me a sour apple Martini...to my surprise it was really good...tasted like a sour apple jolly rancher....and I love jolly ranchers....needless to say...we ate dessert and talked for like 1 hours....had like 3 green apple martinis each....I was pretty drunk.....seeing Im not use to drinking and I dont really know when Ive had enough....

So originally we were gonna come to my house and play some board game...but we were both so buzzed...we were like..."lets go to play" and we did....

Get this....the guy in the front door ID's me...and he looks at it really hard...he is about to put the X's on my hand...and me again jokingly...I said...."Dude...Im 21" and he kinda gets nervous and he is like...ohh oops oh yeah my bad...and lets me by.....I was SHOCKED! 2 times in a row! never!...am I losing my boyish looks? or maybe it was because I hadnt shaved lol...and then he comes up to me and is like....oh here's ur free beer ticket...and I was like....thanks lol...

Free beer? so yeah my poor judment came into play again....by the end of the night I had drank 3 beers...plus the 3 martinis....yeah....I had a very good time....

but at what expense?...

I came home...and completly lost it.....I think I must have text'ed messaged Billy like 10 times and called him a few too....it was 3am....and I was crying....

I cannot belive I did that...I woke up this morning and felt so stupid...I dont even remember if he answered the phone....

I texted message him to apologize...but i havent gotten a response....I just feel completly stupid right now...

Im gonna try not to stress over it....hopefully he will understand and have a good laugh and just make fun of me for it...

damn

but anyways....Anna is coming....and Claire and Damon....and I hope Robin too....

I need to stick to safe "at home" hang outs...

Love

Co

03.31.05

Almost time for bed...

I just got back from Cafe Coco and I must say I had a LOVELY time...lol

I went with Grey...we talked for the longest about humanity and evolution and a bunch of other things...it was great...

We also talked about what is missing in my life...and it dawned on me....when I became deppressed on September 5th 2003 for my own private reasons, I gave my goals up....I gave up on school and I gave up on what I wanted to do in college....I began worrying about the present and forgot about my future....

Where do I see myself in 10 years doing what Im currently doing? I see myself....doing the exact same thing!

I do not want that....I feel that Im missing out on college, I feel im missing out on too many experiences that I cannot afford to miss...Im tired of growing up so fast...and I feel that I AGAIN have to make a drastic lifestyle change...

I need to sit down with my mom and dad...

let them know that my interest in university is back!

Move back with my parents/or find a room mate to help me with bills

and then go for it!

now I want to stay in Nashville...so MTSU and all that is out of the question...

Im thinking Belmont....though I dont know what they have to offer in the film department...

Im pretty sure I want to major in Film and Psychology...

ok...

hopefully when I wake up tommorrow I will be equally as motivated...

There is a spider on my wall so I am going to kill it!