03.20.05

Hey Hey...

Hope everyone had a safe fun weekend...

NM going on here...I woke up like at 11am...my friend David called to see if I could buy him ciggarretts...I was like...."um no" I was sleeping and I was so tired....

Last night I had a few people over to celebrate Robin's birthday (it's actually the 22nd but thats ok) ....Claire, Damon, Anna, Robin, and Myself....it was nice....

I deff felt like my mom last night....My mom is like the best host in the world....she loves to have people over and FEED THEM! lol....yyeahhhh I felt just like that last night....I dont know why it was weird....seemed like my personality switched for a moment....

but anyways....i got a coffe table and an end table for the living room yesterday at Target...I really like them....oh! and an area carpet too...I think the living room looks so much homier....I was gonna get this cool futon also but they didnt have it in stock....so that was kind of a bummer.....however, theres always a next time!

I cant wait to be able to watch movies on the actual tv while laying down on a couch!

but yeah...

prob gonna clean up some more, go to my parents house and do laundry....

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Thinking about you today,

And your silence brings me down...

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03.08.05

Im at home...

Robin is gonna come over for a while...yey

Today was a pretty cool day...work was kinda hectic...I was so tired from lack of sleep...and i really didnt feel like doing downloads...

Last night my friend Bill came over, and stayed till 2:30am....trying to figure out a financial plan for me and other things...I was tired...but it was deffenetly worth it....he is a great friend

After work...I went to my parents house...and found out I got my income tax return :) $660! yes! PLUS I got paid today....so I was happy...

My friend Shanti called and she invited me over for dinner...so I went for a little while to hang out with her and David...she cooked this pork tenderloin with brown rice and caramelized carrots...it was pretty awesome....

Its her birthday on the 18th...and I really want to do something special for her...

Speaking of birthday...Tomm is Billy's bday....

Its been really hard on me...I want to be able to wish him a happy birthday....give him a hug....get him a present...take him out to eat....I dont know...something....

But I cant...and maybe I shouldnt....I was going to call him, but...Im afraid the phone call will turn into something else....we've had enough misunderstandings and I really dont want to put my "progress" in reverse...

I was going to get him a card and leave it at his door, but Im afraid to bump into him...or even worse bump into someone that im not ready to bump into...

Its a tough situation....but in the end....I may just write him a simple email...and though I cannot express the way I feel, Im sure he knows that I love him very much *wink*

Robin just called and she just left her house :)

David let me borrow this movie called Cannibal: the musical....made by the creators of south park while they were in college...it seems really funny....so I will put it on

Peace

Co

03.06.05

Hey,

uuhh just waking up...went to bed like at 6:30am last night...

My sister called me to see if I wanted to got to PLAY with her,my cousin, and another friend and ofcourse I said sure because its always good to hang out with the siblings plus I was kinda wanting to go to PLAY anyways...

btw PLAY is a gay club...

So I do the dumbest thing..my sis told me to meet there at 12, and it was like 9:30...so I was like...well I'll take a bath (since someone had given me like bath salts and shit) so I take a bath, put the fucking bath salts in there....and i find out later that that shit really fucks up your hair...so yeah...looked like a had a fro all night...sucked lol

I was so surprised...everyone knows my sister...(because of my brother) she was like introducing me to everyone...

except while I was dancing with them, they attract all the shirtless muscular guys and then ofcourse I just felt awkward lol...

My sister kept sneaking drinks on me, so by 2 am I was so drunk...for the 2nd time ever ( I dont really like drinking) It was fun...and when the club closed at 3am...My bro's best friend was going to another after hours club called Kiss, so I went with him....we met these 3 girls from FRA and they were awesome people...they had never been there before either so we said we'd take care of each other ( Its kind of a shady place....lots of drugs)

but anyways...I danced all with these girls all night, and then we went to lay on the couches...and we were all pretty much laying on each other...and then one of them starts kissing me...and I kiss her back but Im like....lol...Im gay.... and she is like....are you fucking serious? lol....so we laugh....and laugh....then this dude comes to sit with us...and yeah.....he was weird....enough said about that...

left the place almost at 6am....and I was going down the road when I realized I was driving to my parents house instead of my own....so Im like...FUCK! I always do that....

I get home....and passed out....

so yeah....had a very fun night....wont do it again in a loonnnggg time....but it was fun....I needed that

but with that....I think Im going to my parents house now,lol

Co

02.01.2005

its been a while, i know... lots has happened, yet not much has changed... I didnt go to work today, hosnestly, because I didnt feel like going...its not a good excuse, and i should have gone... Ive been deppressed the last week, about bill again... I moved into my place, i like it, but theres a lot of little things I dont like...at this point im not sure if i want to stay after my 6 month lease is up... Im in debt...for no reason...owe my bro in law over 400 dollars, my car broke down on sunday and the repairs are over 600 dollars, plus the stupid cingular bill is gonna be over 300 dollars.... I feel trapped, i want to escape but dont know where to go... When Bill go back together Josh I was hurt I have to admit, but in the end I always knew that it was coming... When they broke up I didnt think anything of it...I wasnt happy, I wasnt sad....I knew Bill would stay the same...still on the look out for the one person to sweep him off his feet and let him move on with his life.... 1 year ago Bill was still in the situation....Feb 18, 2004...I met him on gay.com...he was looking to hook up...I was looking to feel loved...1 year ago he told me he was still in love with his ex so he is still not looking for a relationship....one year later he is still on the same boat...I feel like yelling at him, i hate that he lives on gay.com...and by doing so drags me into that shit hole website...I dont want to be in love with him, because i dont want to be 2nd to anyone.... but im afraid to let go... and now even if he was to love him, i feel like i will never be able to trust him like i once did.... ----------EDIT------------- Once again i let my emotions out of control today... It took a lot for me to be able to IM Bill, I was hurt by his short reponse and lack of enthusiasm....i was jealous that he had been on gay.com all night and all morning, even if he just leaves it on.... decided I would get him mad at me so he'd block me and get pissed off at me, that'd way he wouldnt give me the time of day and then I wouldnt think of him so much....well it was a stupid desision because he doesnt deserve for me to call him a "liar" or a "whore" just because things arent the way I wanted them to be.... it was stupid and i feel childish, but he blocked me....i feel awful but perhaps its the only way for me to stop revolving my life around him even when arent talking.....ive never been so depppressed.... my life is shit right now

12.23.04

My emotions are running wild…

I am hurting so bad inside…I am such a kid…

I imagine Billy, David, and Josh snowed in all cuddled up together having the time of their life…drinking hot cocoa, playing board games, snuggled up watching movies…as im driving in to work freezing and trying not to swerve off the road…

In reality I know that they are not exactly having “the time of their life” but my head has always liked to play tricks on me…Ive watched a little too many movies…

I cried a lot last night, I thought of suicide, and I even thought of disappearing…but after a while the thoughts went away…and then I focused on how I should change my life, be more independent, get my life together…I fell sleep and then this morning I woke up feeling sad again…

I wasn’t gonna come into work, the roads were horrible…

I went into my parents rooms, asked them how the roads were, I was hoping they would tell me “don’t go to work its too dangerous” but instead they rushed me because I was gonna be late…

Though my dad did go warm up the car for me, which was nice…even though I didn’t take his car….

I told David I cant speak to him anymore last night…I felt horrible, but I realized that Im using him…and I don’t want to use him…thru him Im trying to keep in touch with billy and the thoughts that go thru my heads are driving me insane…I begin to not trust David anymore and that is not a feeling I want to have…David is a good friend and I don’t want my “insanity” to turn against me and ruin what little dignity I have…

I was so mad when he told me they stayed at Josh’s because the roads were so bad, I don’t believe it…Im jealous that he probably prefers Josh and Bill to be together rather than with me. My feelings are to extreme right now….I don’t know what to do

Instead of going home tonight Im going to spend the night at Chads,by myself, no phone, no internet…

Like always…Im losing all my friends…

No Juan No Donovan No Bill No David

My mistakes? Their mistakes?

It doesn’t matter

Im alone now and Im hating every second

12.06.04

Sunday nights are ussually deppressing, but today has been more deppressing than usual...Holiday season is getting near and like every year I feel like there is something missing in my life, and I dont know whats missing....Is it love? material things? I just dont know...but as always I am at a point where I cant even think of anything that would make me content...

Lately the only thing I look fordward to is the week end...Not having to worry about work is a big load off my back and I love not having to be anywhere....Though I must admit that friday and saturday nights have become nights where i get completly wasted, I seem to enjoy that escape, I laugh, and I have briliant thoughts, its great...

I really enjoy spending time with Billy...when Im with him I can put all my problems aside and feel happy...he is my anti drug while Im with him,lol....Thursday was my birthday, and eventhough he had forgotten and I had to remind him....he made it very special :) he took me to lunch and bought me flowers, and then he took me to green hills grill for dinner later that night....we spent all day together just the two of us...and that was exactly what I needed on my birthday...there isnt a greater gift than the gift of friendship....

I really feel like I need a change in my life...and Im pretty sure that the chage I need is moving into my own place. I need a place where I can think, a place where I can get everything organized the way I want...Im tired of having to hide my personal things in my own room, tired of kids using my expensive shampoo for bath bubbles, tired of having to hide my tooth brush so it doesnt "accidentally" get used by someone else, Im tired setting limits to everything I do...I know for a fact that when I am home I am not myself...and my life would be so much better if I was myself 24/7.....

Sometimes I worry that it might not work out, much like most the things that I plan for....but I will never know till I try.

My brother is moving to West Hollywood....and I almost envy him! I want to move to west Hollywood and go to film school! thats where things happen, that is where my dream would come true,lol...although I WILL miss him, I think its great that he is taking such a huge step...things could go bad for him there, but things could also go great...you never know till you take a chance...I wish him all the luck in the world :)....and that way I will have someone to visit when I go :)

I want so much right now I feel Im going insane...I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT!!!!

GOODNIGHT!

06.06.04

God its late...

I just got back from walmart, lol, went and bought "monster" and bought Donovan a pack of cigarettes...first time to buy them:)

Today I woke up at noon...Becca called me, she came over, looked and the puppy and some pictures. Then we went to Kroger to take some coins to the coin star machine...she got 21 bucks....when we were leaving her car wouldn't start, she thought she could fix it but it was useless, her bro had to end up towing the car...so that sucked...

we took my car and went to cracker barrel....it was good, except she invited her bf and its not as fun when the bf's are around.

I got home at 4, and was at work at 5....drive thru today with Shawhin...Adam was Hosting, and Alex came for a few mins actually....dork bumped his new car!!!

After work i came home, took a shower, played resident evil....Alex and Adam wanted me to go out with them but then they really werent gonna do anything that I wanted to do...then Tim called me and asked me if I wanted to go to connections, I said sure, then Matt called me and asked if i was going, he was already there, then I talked to my friend Craig that I havent seen ever since he got kicked out of school, he said he was going to connections but I didnt see him.

Connections wasnt too fun, I had some drink...just one actually, but I was DRUNK! too drunk....couldnt even dance...then i just felt tired....I didnt have fun really....bunch of guys hit on me though, but still...no fun

Tim didnt wanna go to cafe coco because apparently he was going to "hang out" with someone he met there....slut....

I called Donovan and asked him if he wanted to hang out, he said sure....he said he had weed....I was like alright....I did kinda wanna get high...and good high....

so I picked him up....and we went into the woods...we hicked down "Kentucky Down Under" and sat on some rocks, then this big log....it was relaxing but a bit scary....im always a bit paranoid when Im high...

after that we came to my house and just listened to some music and stuff...I was still kinda buzzed and I was laying on the floor, we were both laying down looking at my little "glitter" lamp....it looked like we were under water....and a sort of kiss arised....which i regret because....I dont like him like that or any of my friends for that matter...but oh well it wasnt a big deal at all really...we were both just high...

after that we went to waffle house, then walmart....:)

now Im here...

Yesterday ....I went to eat breakfast with Amy, Irena, and Shanti at cracker barrels...Also David and his friend were there...I wish Shanti wouldnt invite him everywhere we go...that pisses me off...

After that I hung out with Alex, let him borrow my sisters electric sander, then we went to home depot, brought yerko along...

we hung out for a while more then we went to waffle house...i hate how he tries to get free food from his friend, but i think its really dumb...almost like he is begging...he didnt have any money so i just bought him lunch....shouldnt have ate uughh

after that I played Resident Evil

and went to see Harry Potter 3 with Matt G, his sis,mom, and sis's friend....the movie was good, much better than there others...we also went to jackson's...where I ate again...uughhh, then kinda just chilled at Leisha's place (his sis)

like at 3am I went to Waffle House with Tim...I saw Alex Scott there...and 2 other dudes that I know...

Im starting to care less and less about telling people Im gay....

but anyways...GOD I need to sleep...though I wanna watch monster

Muah

Co