before my nap

listening to annie lennox
the windows down and bellies full
i realized i live for these moments of transition

for a moment i felt a tear
and then it was repressed
by the comedic gesture of Grey

i was excited to go to the pool
but there were no chairs to lay on
and so i came back and talked to the old lady
who fell on her face yesterday before the storm

i laid on the couch and watched the news
Iran is going through another revolution
and the economy is going crazy
i heard thunder

its raining again...

ive been waking up sweaty lately
this morning i thought it was too much
then i realized i fell asleep holding a beer
and i spilled it all over me

im ready for another change
if you'll have me...

thought I forgot

to say
thought i would forget
the lessons of the day
when its time to go to bed
and begin to drift away.

could it be
that my sleeping patterns keep me from achieving greater potential?

currently i feel as if i am going through a tunnel...
the tunnel is an infinite field of POTENTIAL
the tunnel is directly linked to my past future and present


i feel the reason my life goes in waves of highs and lows
might be because i am stuck in a tunnel, i keep traveling back and forth
to the past and present, the future remains unknown

i think the anxiety and detatchment ive felt is the realization of time
and my own judgement of what ive done with it and what i could do
thought i would always walk hand in hand
i really did think i was special
i just didnt know how

im back on the loop

May Showers

last night was the worst
i am home now...almost 8am and no desire to do it all over again tonight.

i feel a little dissapointed with the way things are right now
and i ask myself what would make things better
what would make me feel like i am climbing up
rather than running on a treadmill...

theres no point A to B
but maybe life is not that simple.

either way i know i have the power
as corny as it sounds
its true.

i think back on the choices ive made
i am mostly proud of them
the experiences ive had are priceless
to me...

but i should swallow my pride
the reality of my situation is
i am back where i started

this climb is not up a hill
its a rocky mountain
and not all reach the top

ive been swept by a current
of social consciousness
and ive doubted myself

i dont want to forget the dream
i miss LA and all its excitement
i miss the wisdom of Mt. Rainier
but most of all i miss the me
that believed everything was possible

star signs
and pyramid power
third eye
and focused mind
fortune tellers
and messages from beyond

they cant help me now...

VIP

I do feel the shift
once again you ride the wave.
and you tried to say goodbye
but I didnt understand
too young.
give me a couple of years

I want it to be known
that I do not admit defeat.
but a greater understanding
of identities. and me.
i should know of truth

What can be said about those memories
locked away in regret
and those ugly dolls drowning in fine spirits
as they plot their revenge.

Young eyes and sad faces
what you hide is unexplained but understood
by me and you.
that's what makes it special.

lets go and swim
in the icey waters
lets scream again like we did last spring
show me again
I should know of truth.

simple elegance

I heard that its not until we find ourselves in those simple moments
that we begin to expand our perspective
Those moments when love and fear give root to the secrets
growing in our subconscious dream.

And in that simple moment we have a vision of the future
and you see yourself standing where you are
and you may cry or you may laugh
and you begin to reflect on the person you have become.

self image
who is it you think you are?
I am you and you are me
in our own personal image

theres only yes
our personal perspective
and us blindly agreeing with it

selfrealization
becoming aware of the observer
unifying the two dimensions of thought
a lucid dream

a simply elegant frequency

Monday Monday

Its not Monday but it feels like one
Im feeling a bit blue
eventhough I hate that expression

I felt like giving up again today
and leave it all.

As quickly as I get excited about something
The feelings seems to wither away
and I dont recall how it is I saw the light in the first place.

I called my mom today
like I do on mondays when I feel this way
i realized today
I can no longer take comfort in those words from the womb
she no longer knows me the way I know myself.
the battle is mine to fight.

I felt like screaming today
Monday makes me feel that way sometimes.
I dont know where time will lead in the days to come
I want to understand the patterns of my feelings
and return to LA.

And then I hear a voice.
"Center yourself and refocus"
Its that voice of wisdom that visits me from time to time
I know what I have to find
it's not heaven or hell
it exist within

I am here and there at the same time.
find the center...

good morning sunshine

just when I decide to monitor my dreams again
my insomnia starts acting up...

okay, well maybe its just anxiety...
or maybe its all the vitamin C I had earlier.

It doesnt matter...
I cant sleep.
its almost 7 am

Ive been tossing and turning in bed for the past two hours
but the images in my mind keep me awake.

so i decided I would just write what comes to mind
in an effort to release this energy that i feel

tonight i finished the work that i needed to get done this week
i feel accomplished for the first time in months

i couldnt stop cooking last night either
i just wanted to make things...
i baked a whole chicken
made rice
gravy
potatoe salad
then I made Jello
then I made a rum flan
i would of baked a cake but i ran out of ingredients

i watched a couple of episodes of absolutely fabulous afterwards
i dont understand how i just recently found out about this show
Jennifer Saunders is my new idol
I wish she would write another season...

Ive also been getting really into Ramtha and Abraham again
I am really happy to rediscover the power of their message
its just bloody genious!

I talked to Jeff last night also.
I heard Vette and Myk in the background and felt a bit nostalgic
I imagine Myk holding a glass of wine in one hand and a fag on the other
I imagine Vette smiling and looking away as if he has something to hide
I imagine Jeff’s eyes dancing to the sky with a million thoughts racing through
his mind.
I hear them laugh...

It’s lonely these days.
though Im not alone.

I like my company I suppose
sometimes I like to shut myself in my room and not speak to anyone
for days...

I am online too much.
I crave for the day when technology crashes
so that I may be released from this
curse.

There will be a solar storm at the end of the year
a lot of sattelites will be destroyed but not enough.

Change is upon us
the country is in a recession
the bees are dissapearing
and the people are becoming anxious
its about time...

Clinton and Obama claim to bring forth change
I think change is inevitable at this point.
enough empty promises...

The sun is up now...
I am still not sleepy.

I have a meeting at 12:30pm
and then Shanti is coming to pick me up this evening
it was her birthday on the 18th
i think we’re going to her dad’s house to celebrate
I hope I dont pass out and fall asleep

It’s frustrating to not be able to drive my car...
but I dont want to dwell on that right now...

I want to get some new video games soon...
Smash Brothers Melee sounds good right now...
I feel like playing the Sims
I still havent played Metroid for Wii
A good RPG sounds good right now...
get lost in the story...
I havent done that in years...

I miss my family...
my dad and mom
Yerko and Katherine...
I feel guilty sometimes about distancing myself so much from them.
Even Nicolas.
and we lived in the same city.
It’s almost like I was afraid to express love.
I am learning though...
slowly...

I finally wrote an email to Gil.
and I expressed to him that I do not want to receive anymore emails
from him.
I feel sometimes that people force themselves into my life...
nobody is "entitled" to anything
I do recognize that I push people away specially when they express
unconditional love towards me.
but I am a natural rebel...
I cant help it...its the sagittarious in me.
I dont like people telling me what to do, what to feel, or try to guide me in a direction that is clearly subjective.
Ive had to deal with the same issue with Chad.
I feel very strongly about my beliefs...
wether or not they are right...
I feel that if they are not right then I will find that out in due time...
through my own experience...
my experience is the only thing I can rely on.
it’s what give me the ability to create desires within me.

toxic shame...
I feel exposed but i really dont care.
I dont care who reads this...

I told myself I was going to write what was on my mind
and I did.

for the world to see!
or not...

I think I feel better now.
I’ll try to sleep for a couple of hours maybe.
but probably not..
its too bright...

I feel strange.
Like something just clicked.
and I am a different person.
again.

good morning sunshine.