Fall is the new Summer

Sunny today like everyday
and the light reflects from these downtown canyons

The end of September
Clouds move fast along the coast line in the distance

As it turns out I never really understood .

...and then there were two

to be continued...

bulimia was so '87

"only thing that's on my mind
is how to make this moment last"

I woke up
what time is it?
I'm still really sleepy
I should go back to sleep.
no wait!
this is the new me!
The new me gets up early
I should be excited for the day
okay...
Im going to meditate
but im so warm under the covers
maybe i can just meditate in the fetal position
okay here I go
I see a a big ball of light
I wonder if I have any facebook comments
focus!
I see a big ball of light
now the light is expanding
did I jack off last night?
I should jack off before Gil wakes up
NO!!!
okay I see the light
Im getting really sleepy
maybe I should sleep for 5 more minutes
okay I am going to try on my back
I can never sleep on my back
okay close my eyes again
I see a ball of light
zzzzzzzzz
I cant do this!
I need a cigarette...

So I realized this morning that I lack discipline. It's not really news to me, but I tend to be in denial most of the time about the reality of my intentions. It's the same reason this year I did not have a new years resolution. I just know my ego will make excuses.

Okay, so what now?
Do I just let the ego win? Of course not...I have to trick it somehow!!!

I was reading up on Self Hypnosis last night and came to the conclusion that Hypnosis is just another word for the act of a visualization meditation technique, with a few different variations.

As a reminder, I need to find and read "The hidden persuader" by Vance Packard. I feel it is critical to my growth, though I know nothing about it.

You see...
I believe I have this gift. I attract amazing things into my life. People, Movies, Music, Books, Information. It may be that this Internet Age has facilitated those "laws of attraction" people rave about. However, I have an intuitive sense when it comes to searching for something meaningful. (whatever it is my "soul" craves at any given moment)
So when I feel that I need to watch or read or meet someone... I know I need to go with that feeling.

Back to the original question about the ego or whatever you want to call it.
I mean it seems so simple. If I was to talk about this with my sister she would just tell me "GROW UP!"
I really think she thinks I am crazy. Like there is something wrong with me because I cant stick to a decision. I realize I move from one thing to the other too fast, but I know there is something I am learning when I look back on the things Ive done.

I feel like there will come a time in my life where I am going to be so tired of my old patterns that I will just say ENOUGH and jump into a new paradigm.
I am hoping that moment is now.

but I cant even meditate!
you see that's a problem... I keep saying that I cant. When I know I can.
I know what I have to do. I think I just answered my own question.
Which is the purpose of these blogs really.

WALK THE WALK

wish me luck on my interview!

2010

Yes, I see
Something new building up
Around me.

Is it sacrifice?
Denying myself from the ones I love.
or am I punishing them with my absence?

A couple weeks ago I felt stupid for torturing myself.
What am I trying to prove?
And then I realized it's just about me
as it should always be.

Someone I met recently mentioned "Divine Order"
and though the term was foreign I knew its meaning.

Those special people that hold a sacred place
They are in my life to challenge me.
And though I dont know what I mean to them
That's not what's important.

" to look life in the face and know it for what it is, to love it for what it is, and then to put it away "

I think of myself as Virginia Woolf.
She had to get away from London life in order to get some peace.
I too needed the peace.

And now I feel rested
and ready to tackle a new phase of my life.
Yes, I need the support from a bigger source
and loose the pills and vodka nights.

That's not to say
I cant have fun.

I feel like Ive been filled with hope again.
A sense of adventure everywhere I look.
Maybe Ill be moving to Chile.
Maybe take a trip to New Mexico.
What's in store for me?
Only I can explore.

Still, I wish I could share this
with people who have original thoughts.
I get bored with cookie cutter theories
and denial of human nature.

Maybe one day I'll be able to swallow my pride
and say I'm sorry for letting you cloud my mind.

recent excess

warm and fuzzy feelings
are put aside at the present moment

The disgrace of my reflection
reminds me of my recent excess

I am not beating myself over it
nor do I blame the influences around me.

What I feel is happening is something great
something basic, it's what we all come to expect

The jungle has never had more predators
It has never grown so wild with forbidden fruits

And the young little birds fly from their nest
sooner and more hopeful than before.

Growing up in a world of excess and instant gratification
Is it true when the elders tell us everything has been done?

What kind of world do we live in if our dreams have already come to be?

I chose not to believe in their theories anymore
not in this moment

There is so much more out there to be found
and even more to create.

I am listening to a guide I cannot identify
but it gives me full responsibility for my actions.

What will the outcome be?

It's so simple I cant stand it
Ive had the key to my own cell all along
still I am afraid of freedom...

This is the month of light
My month!

The key is in the hole
all I have to do is turn
and push the door open

The dreams will come

patience

I am listening to music again...
Finally, I figured out how to transfer the songs in my ipod to my new computer, without erasing everything in the process.

I guess the problem was never figuring out how to do it, but making the effort seemed pointless when everything around me was so unpredictable.

If you are reading this then you might have noticed Ive posted old entries that date ALL THE WAY back to 2004. I did this to remind myself where Ive been, not just physically but mentally as well. There is so much missing, but I realize there is no way to capture everything when life is happening 24/7.

I am beginning to see a different perspective of life.
Before, I felt that the human experience expanded through and only through an individual never ending journey of self discovery. However, I never realized that the self would discover things that would challenge everything it once believed.

It's such an enigma to me...
It seems that from birth to now, all I can really say Ive accomplished is gather data. Data that helps me define an invisible yet tangible force that flows through me.

I know I have been beating the drum on this subject for years, but I wonder if we will ever know our place in the universe. I also realize that before asking myself all these puzzling questions I need to answer the simple ones that I have control over.

In a kitchen full of ingredients how does one figure out what to use to bake a cake? There is no recipe for life.

moving on...

What I am really trying to say is that maybe...just maybe...a little patience might help along the way.

I just finished watching the second season of Sex and the City...brilliant! Now I know what everyone was talking about at the beginning of the century. It seems to take me a while to catch up with the mainstream media. (seeing I rebel against things while they are popular)
YES! Borderline by Madonna just started playing. :)

I think it was a bad idea to drink coffee at 1am... I am getting the jitters and I cant bare to write another word.

Halloween is almost here!

goodnight.

slowly editing

It may not seem like much right now, but waking up without the pressure of the day is the therapy Ive been looking for.
Ive always said I was not a morning person and I don't claim to be one yet...
The morning time, specially before the sun comes out, is the most peaceful time of the day...I can hear every little sound in the distance and my inner voice is free from habit.

I don't know what time I fell asleep last night, but I am almost sure it was before midnight. I remember Gil waking me up at some point asking me if I planned to sleep through the night...I said yes...and was mad at him for waking me. I fell back asleep some forty minutes later.
Why oh why I ask myself...

Meditation makes sense to me right now... I noticed while I was smoking the first cigarette of the day that I was not really enjoying it... In fact, it was as if I was smoking simply to get it done. I realized while I was working at Cafe Coco one night that smoking had become another pointless routine I didn't know why I committed to. It wasn't until I took adderol to get me through a busy night that I rediscovered the joys of being present while smoking a cigarette. Id like to be present all the time...

Gil and I were talking the other night over some margaritas. He said that when he was my age he felt like he was always living for the future or the expectations of things to come. Now he enjoys life in the present and takes more joy out of the things he is currently working on. We also debated over meditation and whether or not it is really beneficial to one's daily life. I have to say I take what I said back... I do know meditation can be beneficial specially when it comes to centering one's self.

It seems to be my nature to rebel against anything I once believed in or have been disappointed with in the past. But, I ask myself this... isn't my failure to fully follow through with my intentions my ultimate downfall? Instead of rebelling on things or beliefs that I experience in my life, shouldn't I be rebelling against my own habits that keep me from achieving personal wisdom?

*sigh*

one day at a time...

The Rain

I waited for a time like this
alone in thought
the lights are dim

I made no effort at your request
to meet you half or all the way

I chose this state
and though naive
I realize now what I have missed

My pride means nothing
it never did
the things I seeked weren't clear to me

I wished you found your inspiration
Feel it and taste it
show me what a Master can be

And though I have this hesitation
I learn the hard way
its my nature

cheers to you and cheers to me
another year closer to destiny
the time goes by faster it seems
I realize too the youth I killed

A flower blooms amidst the rain
cold and gloom as cars drive away
the fading light is hard to see
a drop of heaven has blinded me

oh the mirth
yes laugh at me
expose the lies I cant repeat
Ive held so long
identified with
and trusted its unknown scheme

I fear no more
my destiny
I always knew
It's up to me.

sky mind second body

I remember now
the warmth
that golden light
and me
awake...

"gotta give it up"

ofcourse I felt a little silly
it was only the second time
Ive had these kinds of experiences
but it was so real.

Today it just came to mind
maybe since Ive been reading a book again
this time on astral traveling
I remembered.

what I feel I need to do
is to surrender
to the warm golden light
maybe its my guide.

I feel Im picking up right where I left off
all I went through preparing me
for the week after the eclipse
and the new moons.

like the tree nearly crushing me
and the lost deer in the city
what do I take from it?

Baby steps and patience
im excited, scared, and loved
hungry to make it happen
swallowing my pride

I must surrender to something greater.

30 seconds

light travels faster than sound
you can observe this when lightning strikes
and seconds later you hear a thunder
this is considered an ordinary occurence

so why bother talking about it...

the countdown is official
in a couple of days my enviroment will shift
but i am confident in myself.

i have a feeling things will be different this time
it wont be glamorous and it is not a vacation
i am not deppressed or high on life
only a little more balanced than before
with a different perception of myself

i will respect the house rules
but maintain what ive learned
which is more than handling my whiskey.

summer will come and go
and before we know it 2010 will arrive
i see myself taking a turn at a long term dream
its that simple.

like an out of body experience
it is somethinng so real yet so elusive
so easy to forget and disregard
as an ordinary event

only i have that power.

before my nap

listening to annie lennox
the windows down and bellies full
i realized i live for these moments of transition

for a moment i felt a tear
and then it was repressed
by the comedic gesture of Grey

i was excited to go to the pool
but there were no chairs to lay on
and so i came back and talked to the old lady
who fell on her face yesterday before the storm

i laid on the couch and watched the news
Iran is going through another revolution
and the economy is going crazy
i heard thunder

its raining again...

ive been waking up sweaty lately
this morning i thought it was too much
then i realized i fell asleep holding a beer
and i spilled it all over me

im ready for another change
if you'll have me...

thought I forgot

to say
thought i would forget
the lessons of the day
when its time to go to bed
and begin to drift away.

could it be
that my sleeping patterns keep me from achieving greater potential?

currently i feel as if i am going through a tunnel...
the tunnel is an infinite field of POTENTIAL
the tunnel is directly linked to my past future and present


i feel the reason my life goes in waves of highs and lows
might be because i am stuck in a tunnel, i keep traveling back and forth
to the past and present, the future remains unknown

i think the anxiety and detatchment ive felt is the realization of time
and my own judgement of what ive done with it and what i could do
thought i would always walk hand in hand
i really did think i was special
i just didnt know how

im back on the loop

May Showers

last night was the worst
i am home now...almost 8am and no desire to do it all over again tonight.

i feel a little dissapointed with the way things are right now
and i ask myself what would make things better
what would make me feel like i am climbing up
rather than running on a treadmill...

theres no point A to B
but maybe life is not that simple.

either way i know i have the power
as corny as it sounds
its true.

i think back on the choices ive made
i am mostly proud of them
the experiences ive had are priceless
to me...

but i should swallow my pride
the reality of my situation is
i am back where i started

this climb is not up a hill
its a rocky mountain
and not all reach the top

ive been swept by a current
of social consciousness
and ive doubted myself

i dont want to forget the dream
i miss LA and all its excitement
i miss the wisdom of Mt. Rainier
but most of all i miss the me
that believed everything was possible

star signs
and pyramid power
third eye
and focused mind
fortune tellers
and messages from beyond

they cant help me now...

VIP

I do feel the shift
once again you ride the wave.
and you tried to say goodbye
but I didnt understand
too young.
give me a couple of years

I want it to be known
that I do not admit defeat.
but a greater understanding
of identities. and me.
i should know of truth

What can be said about those memories
locked away in regret
and those ugly dolls drowning in fine spirits
as they plot their revenge.

Young eyes and sad faces
what you hide is unexplained but understood
by me and you.
that's what makes it special.

lets go and swim
in the icey waters
lets scream again like we did last spring
show me again
I should know of truth.

simple elegance

I heard that its not until we find ourselves in those simple moments
that we begin to expand our perspective
Those moments when love and fear give root to the secrets
growing in our subconscious dream.

And in that simple moment we have a vision of the future
and you see yourself standing where you are
and you may cry or you may laugh
and you begin to reflect on the person you have become.

self image
who is it you think you are?
I am you and you are me
in our own personal image

theres only yes
our personal perspective
and us blindly agreeing with it

selfrealization
becoming aware of the observer
unifying the two dimensions of thought
a lucid dream

a simply elegant frequency

Monday Monday

Its not Monday but it feels like one
Im feeling a bit blue
eventhough I hate that expression

I felt like giving up again today
and leave it all.

As quickly as I get excited about something
The feelings seems to wither away
and I dont recall how it is I saw the light in the first place.

I called my mom today
like I do on mondays when I feel this way
i realized today
I can no longer take comfort in those words from the womb
she no longer knows me the way I know myself.
the battle is mine to fight.

I felt like screaming today
Monday makes me feel that way sometimes.
I dont know where time will lead in the days to come
I want to understand the patterns of my feelings
and return to LA.

And then I hear a voice.
"Center yourself and refocus"
Its that voice of wisdom that visits me from time to time
I know what I have to find
it's not heaven or hell
it exist within

I am here and there at the same time.
find the center...

good morning sunshine

just when I decide to monitor my dreams again
my insomnia starts acting up...

okay, well maybe its just anxiety...
or maybe its all the vitamin C I had earlier.

It doesnt matter...
I cant sleep.
its almost 7 am

Ive been tossing and turning in bed for the past two hours
but the images in my mind keep me awake.

so i decided I would just write what comes to mind
in an effort to release this energy that i feel

tonight i finished the work that i needed to get done this week
i feel accomplished for the first time in months

i couldnt stop cooking last night either
i just wanted to make things...
i baked a whole chicken
made rice
gravy
potatoe salad
then I made Jello
then I made a rum flan
i would of baked a cake but i ran out of ingredients

i watched a couple of episodes of absolutely fabulous afterwards
i dont understand how i just recently found out about this show
Jennifer Saunders is my new idol
I wish she would write another season...

Ive also been getting really into Ramtha and Abraham again
I am really happy to rediscover the power of their message
its just bloody genious!

I talked to Jeff last night also.
I heard Vette and Myk in the background and felt a bit nostalgic
I imagine Myk holding a glass of wine in one hand and a fag on the other
I imagine Vette smiling and looking away as if he has something to hide
I imagine Jeff’s eyes dancing to the sky with a million thoughts racing through
his mind.
I hear them laugh...

It’s lonely these days.
though Im not alone.

I like my company I suppose
sometimes I like to shut myself in my room and not speak to anyone
for days...

I am online too much.
I crave for the day when technology crashes
so that I may be released from this
curse.

There will be a solar storm at the end of the year
a lot of sattelites will be destroyed but not enough.

Change is upon us
the country is in a recession
the bees are dissapearing
and the people are becoming anxious
its about time...

Clinton and Obama claim to bring forth change
I think change is inevitable at this point.
enough empty promises...

The sun is up now...
I am still not sleepy.

I have a meeting at 12:30pm
and then Shanti is coming to pick me up this evening
it was her birthday on the 18th
i think we’re going to her dad’s house to celebrate
I hope I dont pass out and fall asleep

It’s frustrating to not be able to drive my car...
but I dont want to dwell on that right now...

I want to get some new video games soon...
Smash Brothers Melee sounds good right now...
I feel like playing the Sims
I still havent played Metroid for Wii
A good RPG sounds good right now...
get lost in the story...
I havent done that in years...

I miss my family...
my dad and mom
Yerko and Katherine...
I feel guilty sometimes about distancing myself so much from them.
Even Nicolas.
and we lived in the same city.
It’s almost like I was afraid to express love.
I am learning though...
slowly...

I finally wrote an email to Gil.
and I expressed to him that I do not want to receive anymore emails
from him.
I feel sometimes that people force themselves into my life...
nobody is "entitled" to anything
I do recognize that I push people away specially when they express
unconditional love towards me.
but I am a natural rebel...
I cant help it...its the sagittarious in me.
I dont like people telling me what to do, what to feel, or try to guide me in a direction that is clearly subjective.
Ive had to deal with the same issue with Chad.
I feel very strongly about my beliefs...
wether or not they are right...
I feel that if they are not right then I will find that out in due time...
through my own experience...
my experience is the only thing I can rely on.
it’s what give me the ability to create desires within me.

toxic shame...
I feel exposed but i really dont care.
I dont care who reads this...

I told myself I was going to write what was on my mind
and I did.

for the world to see!
or not...

I think I feel better now.
I’ll try to sleep for a couple of hours maybe.
but probably not..
its too bright...

I feel strange.
Like something just clicked.
and I am a different person.
again.

good morning sunshine.

chapter 7: The Last Punch

we sat there in silence for a few minutes as we devoured our dollar menu chicken sandwich.
he seemed pleased as he desperately gasped for air once the last precious bite slid down his throat. ten piece nuggets and double cheese burgers are next.
the song changes, I cant recall what it was...

in my car I felt overwhelmed with memories of past times. the possibilities that exist and still i find myself in a hole i cant seem to climb out of.

i sat the unopened box of nuggets by the gear handle. he opens the box and sets it down, but it tips over and the nuggets fall under the seat. if it had been anyone else i would have laughed and picked up the pieces and ate them without thinking anything about it.

i slapped him like a mother slaps her child. he slapped back as if rebelling for the first time.
a game of dominance that i later realized i was only playing with myself.
i threw it all at him, honey mustard and all...

i threw the first punches and then we began to dance in circles.
a fist grabbed my hair tight as we simultaneously hit the ground.
i began to cry as i held him in my arms while he struggled to break free.
i made him bleed over chicken nuggets.

spring

I thought I knew the steps to this simple dance
square in its nature
round as the wheel of life.

I thought I knew of truths and prophecies unfolding
accepting what is mine is not an easy task.
Blindfolded in my humanity again I seek within

I wonder what the view is like from your eyes
do you see?

The countdown begins.
Naked with an audience
and I feel numb inside...

Breath in
count sheep
breath out
its okay to cry...

Spring is here.

broken

he told me one day I would understand.
the dance is more than teenage love and wine
with paint stains i drove in the dark
a lonely road ahead.
erase the tracks.

next slide.

our energies ignite a light only we can explore
and through the glass i feel its warmth
from times of romantic tragedy
poisoned daggers try once more

next slide.

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