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I do feel the shift
once again you ride the wave.
and you tried to say goodbye
but I didnt understand
too young.
give me a couple of years

I want it to be known
that I do not admit defeat.
but a greater understanding
of identities. and me.
i should know of truth

What can be said about those memories
locked away in regret
and those ugly dolls drowning in fine spirits
as they plot their revenge.

Young eyes and sad faces
what you hide is unexplained but understood
by me and you.
that's what makes it special.

lets go and swim
in the icey waters
lets scream again like we did last spring
show me again
I should know of truth.

simple elegance

I heard that its not until we find ourselves in those simple moments
that we begin to expand our perspective
Those moments when love and fear give root to the secrets
growing in our subconscious dream.

And in that simple moment we have a vision of the future
and you see yourself standing where you are
and you may cry or you may laugh
and you begin to reflect on the person you have become.

self image
who is it you think you are?
I am you and you are me
in our own personal image

theres only yes
our personal perspective
and us blindly agreeing with it

selfrealization
becoming aware of the observer
unifying the two dimensions of thought
a lucid dream

a simply elegant frequency

Monday Monday

Its not Monday but it feels like one
Im feeling a bit blue
eventhough I hate that expression

I felt like giving up again today
and leave it all.

As quickly as I get excited about something
The feelings seems to wither away
and I dont recall how it is I saw the light in the first place.

I called my mom today
like I do on mondays when I feel this way
i realized today
I can no longer take comfort in those words from the womb
she no longer knows me the way I know myself.
the battle is mine to fight.

I felt like screaming today
Monday makes me feel that way sometimes.
I dont know where time will lead in the days to come
I want to understand the patterns of my feelings
and return to LA.

And then I hear a voice.
"Center yourself and refocus"
Its that voice of wisdom that visits me from time to time
I know what I have to find
it's not heaven or hell
it exist within

I am here and there at the same time.
find the center...

good morning sunshine

just when I decide to monitor my dreams again
my insomnia starts acting up...

okay, well maybe its just anxiety...
or maybe its all the vitamin C I had earlier.

It doesnt matter...
I cant sleep.
its almost 7 am

Ive been tossing and turning in bed for the past two hours
but the images in my mind keep me awake.

so i decided I would just write what comes to mind
in an effort to release this energy that i feel

tonight i finished the work that i needed to get done this week
i feel accomplished for the first time in months

i couldnt stop cooking last night either
i just wanted to make things...
i baked a whole chicken
made rice
gravy
potatoe salad
then I made Jello
then I made a rum flan
i would of baked a cake but i ran out of ingredients

i watched a couple of episodes of absolutely fabulous afterwards
i dont understand how i just recently found out about this show
Jennifer Saunders is my new idol
I wish she would write another season...

Ive also been getting really into Ramtha and Abraham again
I am really happy to rediscover the power of their message
its just bloody genious!

I talked to Jeff last night also.
I heard Vette and Myk in the background and felt a bit nostalgic
I imagine Myk holding a glass of wine in one hand and a fag on the other
I imagine Vette smiling and looking away as if he has something to hide
I imagine Jeff’s eyes dancing to the sky with a million thoughts racing through
his mind.
I hear them laugh...

It’s lonely these days.
though Im not alone.

I like my company I suppose
sometimes I like to shut myself in my room and not speak to anyone
for days...

I am online too much.
I crave for the day when technology crashes
so that I may be released from this
curse.

There will be a solar storm at the end of the year
a lot of sattelites will be destroyed but not enough.

Change is upon us
the country is in a recession
the bees are dissapearing
and the people are becoming anxious
its about time...

Clinton and Obama claim to bring forth change
I think change is inevitable at this point.
enough empty promises...

The sun is up now...
I am still not sleepy.

I have a meeting at 12:30pm
and then Shanti is coming to pick me up this evening
it was her birthday on the 18th
i think we’re going to her dad’s house to celebrate
I hope I dont pass out and fall asleep

It’s frustrating to not be able to drive my car...
but I dont want to dwell on that right now...

I want to get some new video games soon...
Smash Brothers Melee sounds good right now...
I feel like playing the Sims
I still havent played Metroid for Wii
A good RPG sounds good right now...
get lost in the story...
I havent done that in years...

I miss my family...
my dad and mom
Yerko and Katherine...
I feel guilty sometimes about distancing myself so much from them.
Even Nicolas.
and we lived in the same city.
It’s almost like I was afraid to express love.
I am learning though...
slowly...

I finally wrote an email to Gil.
and I expressed to him that I do not want to receive anymore emails
from him.
I feel sometimes that people force themselves into my life...
nobody is "entitled" to anything
I do recognize that I push people away specially when they express
unconditional love towards me.
but I am a natural rebel...
I cant help it...its the sagittarious in me.
I dont like people telling me what to do, what to feel, or try to guide me in a direction that is clearly subjective.
Ive had to deal with the same issue with Chad.
I feel very strongly about my beliefs...
wether or not they are right...
I feel that if they are not right then I will find that out in due time...
through my own experience...
my experience is the only thing I can rely on.
it’s what give me the ability to create desires within me.

toxic shame...
I feel exposed but i really dont care.
I dont care who reads this...

I told myself I was going to write what was on my mind
and I did.

for the world to see!
or not...

I think I feel better now.
I’ll try to sleep for a couple of hours maybe.
but probably not..
its too bright...

I feel strange.
Like something just clicked.
and I am a different person.
again.

good morning sunshine.

chapter 7: The Last Punch

we sat there in silence for a few minutes as we devoured our dollar menu chicken sandwich.
he seemed pleased as he desperately gasped for air once the last precious bite slid down his throat. ten piece nuggets and double cheese burgers are next.
the song changes, I cant recall what it was...

in my car I felt overwhelmed with memories of past times. the possibilities that exist and still i find myself in a hole i cant seem to climb out of.

i sat the unopened box of nuggets by the gear handle. he opens the box and sets it down, but it tips over and the nuggets fall under the seat. if it had been anyone else i would have laughed and picked up the pieces and ate them without thinking anything about it.

i slapped him like a mother slaps her child. he slapped back as if rebelling for the first time.
a game of dominance that i later realized i was only playing with myself.
i threw it all at him, honey mustard and all...

i threw the first punches and then we began to dance in circles.
a fist grabbed my hair tight as we simultaneously hit the ground.
i began to cry as i held him in my arms while he struggled to break free.
i made him bleed over chicken nuggets.

spring

I thought I knew the steps to this simple dance
square in its nature
round as the wheel of life.

I thought I knew of truths and prophecies unfolding
accepting what is mine is not an easy task.
Blindfolded in my humanity again I seek within

I wonder what the view is like from your eyes
do you see?

The countdown begins.
Naked with an audience
and I feel numb inside...

Breath in
count sheep
breath out
its okay to cry...

Spring is here.

broken

he told me one day I would understand.
the dance is more than teenage love and wine
with paint stains i drove in the dark
a lonely road ahead.
erase the tracks.

next slide.

our energies ignite a light only we can explore
and through the glass i feel its warmth
from times of romantic tragedy
poisoned daggers try once more

next slide.

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toxic shame

silent and smiling I sat there listening to what was being said before me....
in the spotlight of my mind I looked around to see them looking back.

A toxic shame grew inside of me,
afraid of what they might see within
I smiled.

I gave them what I thought they wanted to hear
A cancerous force denied it
the voices pointed fingers to the sky
I cant scream.

I love her...