Fall is the new Summer

Sunny today like everyday
and the light reflects from these downtown canyons

The end of September
Clouds move fast along the coast line in the distance

As it turns out I never really understood .

...and then there were two

to be continued...

bulimia was so '87

"only thing that's on my mind
is how to make this moment last"

I woke up
what time is it?
I'm still really sleepy
I should go back to sleep.
no wait!
this is the new me!
The new me gets up early
I should be excited for the day
okay...
Im going to meditate
but im so warm under the covers
maybe i can just meditate in the fetal position
okay here I go
I see a a big ball of light
I wonder if I have any facebook comments
focus!
I see a big ball of light
now the light is expanding
did I jack off last night?
I should jack off before Gil wakes up
NO!!!
okay I see the light
Im getting really sleepy
maybe I should sleep for 5 more minutes
okay I am going to try on my back
I can never sleep on my back
okay close my eyes again
I see a ball of light
zzzzzzzzz
I cant do this!
I need a cigarette...

So I realized this morning that I lack discipline. It's not really news to me, but I tend to be in denial most of the time about the reality of my intentions. It's the same reason this year I did not have a new years resolution. I just know my ego will make excuses.

Okay, so what now?
Do I just let the ego win? Of course not...I have to trick it somehow!!!

I was reading up on Self Hypnosis last night and came to the conclusion that Hypnosis is just another word for the act of a visualization meditation technique, with a few different variations.

As a reminder, I need to find and read "The hidden persuader" by Vance Packard. I feel it is critical to my growth, though I know nothing about it.

You see...
I believe I have this gift. I attract amazing things into my life. People, Movies, Music, Books, Information. It may be that this Internet Age has facilitated those "laws of attraction" people rave about. However, I have an intuitive sense when it comes to searching for something meaningful. (whatever it is my "soul" craves at any given moment)
So when I feel that I need to watch or read or meet someone... I know I need to go with that feeling.

Back to the original question about the ego or whatever you want to call it.
I mean it seems so simple. If I was to talk about this with my sister she would just tell me "GROW UP!"
I really think she thinks I am crazy. Like there is something wrong with me because I cant stick to a decision. I realize I move from one thing to the other too fast, but I know there is something I am learning when I look back on the things Ive done.

I feel like there will come a time in my life where I am going to be so tired of my old patterns that I will just say ENOUGH and jump into a new paradigm.
I am hoping that moment is now.

but I cant even meditate!
you see that's a problem... I keep saying that I cant. When I know I can.
I know what I have to do. I think I just answered my own question.
Which is the purpose of these blogs really.

WALK THE WALK

wish me luck on my interview!

2010

Yes, I see
Something new building up
Around me.

Is it sacrifice?
Denying myself from the ones I love.
or am I punishing them with my absence?

A couple weeks ago I felt stupid for torturing myself.
What am I trying to prove?
And then I realized it's just about me
as it should always be.

Someone I met recently mentioned "Divine Order"
and though the term was foreign I knew its meaning.

Those special people that hold a sacred place
They are in my life to challenge me.
And though I dont know what I mean to them
That's not what's important.

" to look life in the face and know it for what it is, to love it for what it is, and then to put it away "

I think of myself as Virginia Woolf.
She had to get away from London life in order to get some peace.
I too needed the peace.

And now I feel rested
and ready to tackle a new phase of my life.
Yes, I need the support from a bigger source
and loose the pills and vodka nights.

That's not to say
I cant have fun.

I feel like Ive been filled with hope again.
A sense of adventure everywhere I look.
Maybe Ill be moving to Chile.
Maybe take a trip to New Mexico.
What's in store for me?
Only I can explore.

Still, I wish I could share this
with people who have original thoughts.
I get bored with cookie cutter theories
and denial of human nature.

Maybe one day I'll be able to swallow my pride
and say I'm sorry for letting you cloud my mind.

recent excess

warm and fuzzy feelings
are put aside at the present moment

The disgrace of my reflection
reminds me of my recent excess

I am not beating myself over it
nor do I blame the influences around me.

What I feel is happening is something great
something basic, it's what we all come to expect

The jungle has never had more predators
It has never grown so wild with forbidden fruits

And the young little birds fly from their nest
sooner and more hopeful than before.

Growing up in a world of excess and instant gratification
Is it true when the elders tell us everything has been done?

What kind of world do we live in if our dreams have already come to be?

I chose not to believe in their theories anymore
not in this moment

There is so much more out there to be found
and even more to create.

I am listening to a guide I cannot identify
but it gives me full responsibility for my actions.

What will the outcome be?

It's so simple I cant stand it
Ive had the key to my own cell all along
still I am afraid of freedom...

This is the month of light
My month!

The key is in the hole
all I have to do is turn
and push the door open

The dreams will come

patience

I am listening to music again...
Finally, I figured out how to transfer the songs in my ipod to my new computer, without erasing everything in the process.

I guess the problem was never figuring out how to do it, but making the effort seemed pointless when everything around me was so unpredictable.

If you are reading this then you might have noticed Ive posted old entries that date ALL THE WAY back to 2004. I did this to remind myself where Ive been, not just physically but mentally as well. There is so much missing, but I realize there is no way to capture everything when life is happening 24/7.

I am beginning to see a different perspective of life.
Before, I felt that the human experience expanded through and only through an individual never ending journey of self discovery. However, I never realized that the self would discover things that would challenge everything it once believed.

It's such an enigma to me...
It seems that from birth to now, all I can really say Ive accomplished is gather data. Data that helps me define an invisible yet tangible force that flows through me.

I know I have been beating the drum on this subject for years, but I wonder if we will ever know our place in the universe. I also realize that before asking myself all these puzzling questions I need to answer the simple ones that I have control over.

In a kitchen full of ingredients how does one figure out what to use to bake a cake? There is no recipe for life.

moving on...

What I am really trying to say is that maybe...just maybe...a little patience might help along the way.

I just finished watching the second season of Sex and the City...brilliant! Now I know what everyone was talking about at the beginning of the century. It seems to take me a while to catch up with the mainstream media. (seeing I rebel against things while they are popular)
YES! Borderline by Madonna just started playing. :)

I think it was a bad idea to drink coffee at 1am... I am getting the jitters and I cant bare to write another word.

Halloween is almost here!

goodnight.

slowly editing

It may not seem like much right now, but waking up without the pressure of the day is the therapy Ive been looking for.
Ive always said I was not a morning person and I don't claim to be one yet...
The morning time, specially before the sun comes out, is the most peaceful time of the day...I can hear every little sound in the distance and my inner voice is free from habit.

I don't know what time I fell asleep last night, but I am almost sure it was before midnight. I remember Gil waking me up at some point asking me if I planned to sleep through the night...I said yes...and was mad at him for waking me. I fell back asleep some forty minutes later.
Why oh why I ask myself...

Meditation makes sense to me right now... I noticed while I was smoking the first cigarette of the day that I was not really enjoying it... In fact, it was as if I was smoking simply to get it done. I realized while I was working at Cafe Coco one night that smoking had become another pointless routine I didn't know why I committed to. It wasn't until I took adderol to get me through a busy night that I rediscovered the joys of being present while smoking a cigarette. Id like to be present all the time...

Gil and I were talking the other night over some margaritas. He said that when he was my age he felt like he was always living for the future or the expectations of things to come. Now he enjoys life in the present and takes more joy out of the things he is currently working on. We also debated over meditation and whether or not it is really beneficial to one's daily life. I have to say I take what I said back... I do know meditation can be beneficial specially when it comes to centering one's self.

It seems to be my nature to rebel against anything I once believed in or have been disappointed with in the past. But, I ask myself this... isn't my failure to fully follow through with my intentions my ultimate downfall? Instead of rebelling on things or beliefs that I experience in my life, shouldn't I be rebelling against my own habits that keep me from achieving personal wisdom?

*sigh*

one day at a time...